Wish Upon Review.
Hey guys! Guess whos back? Me! It was fun to just, go away for a week, but nothing beats watching shitty movies with the rest of the crew. So I chose an especially bad one for us today, think of it as a welcome back gift I get myself. Wish upon was a film released in 2017, with an incredibly small production budget of $12 million. Surely with a budget that low it had to make back its money, well nope! The film only had a total gross of $14 million, and remember that was only a production budget, with marketing, as well as all other expenses, this film is definitely a flop.
Which begs the question, how bad does a modern horror movie have to be to flop? Remember, the bye bye man was a success, so this one has to be a REAL bad egg. How bad? Well lets find out, together!
The film begins with a girl, apparently named Chloe, riding her bike to a birds nest, then coming back. When she returns however, she finds that her mother just HUNG HERSELF! Oh no! Some years later, Chloe’s dad has sunken pretty low, to the point where he goes dumpster diving, and just hoards the things he finds. She has two friends, one of which plays some pokemon go esque game, that’s important later trust me.
After calling a girl who has so far done nothing wrong a smegma, Chloe then returns home to find out that her dad found her a music box with chinese writing on it, and so he gives it to her as a present. How nice! However she seemingly can’t get the music box to work. So instead of doing the normal thing and telling her dad it’s broken, or hell just throwing the damn thing out, Chloe makes a random wish to it, wishing that smegma would just rot. The next morning, smegma wakes up to realize someone threw mud on her left leg! Oh no! Oh wait that’s supposed to convincingly look like her legs rotting nevermind.
However there is a grave punishment for making such a wish, as the next day Chloe finds out that her dog, has been MURDERED! Oh no! Poor doggo, but anyways, everyone just seems to forget that smegmas leg LITERALLY RANDOMLY STARTED ROTTING and go along with their day! Alright, I know I wouldn’t immediately jump to the “It was magic!” conclusion, but the only other option is that she has some sort of disgusting disease, in which case I would be freaking out if I ever even talked to smegma within the past month! But whatever.
Now realizing that she has a magic wish box, Chloe does the responsible thing and wishes that some rando would fall in love with her. The box grants this wish, but at a cost, as some random old guy dies in a bathtub, in one of the funniest fucking scenes in the whole movie. That’s the thing about this movie, it’s more comical than it is scary, even some scenes meant to disturb are just, hilarious. Anyways the old man dies, and Chloe is even more responsible and wishes that all of his inheritance went to her. What a bitch.
However, for this wish another person must die! This time it’s some random girl who she lived by. Huh. You’d think these deaths would be more from people she has connections with, but whatever. After that she decides to ask the ONLY asian kid in her school, “hey can you read chinese?” Turns out he’s actually Korean, but luckily he knows a random chinese lady, who happily translates the text. While she’s doing that, Chloe makes another wish, saying that she wishes her father was less embarrassing. SMASH CUT to her dad and two other random fucking guys in her living room playing smooth jazz! This fucking killed us when it happened.
Anyways, the asian chick dies by slipping on nothing and impaling her head through some, I think it was an elephant tusk. That’s what ya get for importing the ivory of an endangered species! No but seriously, why does she die? Chloe has no connection to her whatsoever, so why? Whatever, so we finally get a random exposition dump, a wish means someone’s gonna die, if you get 7 wishes before some demon takes your soul, and if you throw the box away its effects will be undone.The rest of the movie goes by pretty quick, so we’re gonna take a break before we get there.
I actually don’t know what to put here. No, I’m fucking serious, there are like, no characters in this film! Alright let’s take this one step at a time, Chloe is uh, well she’s kind of a bitch I guess, so is her black friend, uh, rando is barely in the movie, so is the dad, and the boyfriend, yeah I got nothing.
The acting though, I do have something for. And that’s that it’s ALLLL bad. All of it! There is not a single good performance in this movie! The redhead girl from stranger things is in this film and even she doesn’t give a good performance! And she was pretty good in that show, at least from what I remember. God this film is a fucking black hole of quality.Comedy:
“Oh what?” you may be saying, “This film is a horror comedy?” No! But here’s the thing, this film is so fucking inept and terrible in so many places, that this film becomes an unintentional comedic masterpiece. There are so many little things, like the fact we have scenes that are meant to be horrifying, then suddenly jump cut to pop music playing as our characters go about their day! Yeah, fucking pop music! Up beat Hannah Montana style pop music! And some “serious” scenes are just straight up slapstick comedy! Like come on guys, you should know better than this!
Oh you KNOW this film is bad if I need a second bonus category. I was going to leave this out but, I just couldn’t! I don’t know who was behind the camera in this film but they did not do a great job whatsoever! Like there are just shots that did not need to, be. For example, in the scene where the dad finds the box, instead of just starting with a transition to the dad parking, it transitions to a random gate, starts flying slowly up to a weird statue on the wall next to the gate, then swings around the statue, focuses on the dad, then pauses for a few seconds before going onto the next scene. WHY WAS THAT EVEN NECESSARY!?
Probably the worst thing though is shot composition. Now look, if you’re trying to film a horror movie, and you’re trying to show that terrible things are about to happen to the people in the film, then you shouldn’t have it look like you’re filming one of those fucking disney travel ads! The shots are just, so bright most of the time, with clear blue skies and bright green grass, like really!? A character is about to die and you think THIS is the proper mood to be setting!? Other than that the cinematography is just, bland, shot reverse shot, kinda dark I guess, you know the drill. But those mistakes are just so bad, I had to point them out.
That night, Chloe decides to tell her friends about the box. They get angry at her, for some reason. Chloe then, like a dumbass, makes a wish to be super popular, then hides the box, chaining it up like it’s some sort of creature. She goes to a party with her friends, and we play a game of, “whos gonna die next!” We keep cutting between scenes of the dad, or her friends nearly dying.
The bitchy friend suddenly gets a message on her phone saying there’s a ghost on the 26th floor of the building. Wait what? How the fuck does the game, you know what nevermind, black girl falls down the elevator shaft and dies. Now rather upset, Chloe does what’s right and, wishes her mother never killed herself. Way to wait until NOW to do that! Anyways her father dies by stupidity, and she yells at the box that her last wish to take her back to the day where her father found the box.
It works, and this time Chloe goes with her father to the place where he found the box, takes it, then goes to school. She goes to the asian guy, who I guess she fell in love with, and tells HIM to bury it. Why not just bury it yourself? Whatever, she kisses the guy, goes to school, then the funniest ending possible happens. Smegma comes out of nowhere, in her car, going what couldn’t be more than 20 MPH, SLAMS on the brakes, but somehow still hits Chloe, which FUCKING LAUNCHES HER into another car, killing her instantly. The end.
This movie man, holy shit, it’s amazing. Honestly this film is genuinely a great watch, at least when you have friends around to watch it with. The best part of this film is that if you tried you could cut this film into a teen witch style teen drama comedy. A part of me believes the creator of this film wanted that to be the case, but the studio forced him to make it into a horror movie. If that theory is true, then that honestly just kinda makes this film funnier. I say you get some beers, get some friends, rent this movie and watch it as soon as possible. You will not be dissapointed.