The Wylds Review.
This is, possibly the most surreal viewing experience I have ever had. First, how I found this. There I was, just mindlessly searching through a list of terrible movies, as I usually do, when suddenly I found this film called “The Adventures of Chris Fable.” I searched it on IMDB and found it, and I found out that it’s name is actually “The Wylds.” I was intrigued by it’s 2.4/10 score, and so I excitedly got a friend, found this film on youtube and started watching. However, neither of us had any idea what was in store for us.
The film begins with our main character, the fabled Chris Fable. He’s running away from a police officer after stealing some stuff. He runs into a church and hides there, and the priest, or I guess priestess since it’s a woman, who saves him by telling the cop he works there, then shows him what a book is. He seems confused by what a book is, and once he learns he steals a whole shit ton of ‘em, then leaves. We suddenly cut to a man in a full body suit and top hat sitting in a junk yard surrounded by stereotypical hooligans from tons of different generations, from Charles dickens times to 1950s greasers. It was at this exact moment I knew I was in for something magical.
The mans name is Iggy, and he’s getting all these things from the kids, like silver and gold and other things like that. When he sees what Chris brought though, he gets mad and they burn all the books. Except for one book which he keeps. He goes to his little home, which is just a van with some furnishing, and his friend/love interest Faith comes to him. They talk for a bit, then go to the church where they get taught how to read.
Chris then has a crazy ass dream where giant robots attack the junkyard. Spurred on by this, and the priestess telling him his father is in this kingdom known as the Celestial City, Chris decides to leave, alongside Faith and that 17th century orphan boy, named Duck. They pack some gold and the book, then try and make a run for it. This goes wrong when they get into a fight with the greaser kid, and then Iggy finds out what’s going on and chases them down with a motorcycle. Faith, using some expert tactician skills lemme tell ya, manages to lead Iggy away from the rest of the group as they run. They then find themselves in a swamp.
Chris gets stuck in the water and gets chased by an alligator. He’s helped out of the swamp by a friendly person with a whip, then leaves. After a bit of travelling he comes across a snake oil salesman. He manages to buy a map from him with a comb. But it turns out the map is useless and almost gets him killed. He makes it to some gate though, and gets saved from whatever beast almost killed him. He then gets talked to by, what looks like a porn artist. She says how there was a war that destroyed the world, and that there will be another war, but after this war the world will be a much better place. It’s at this point I realized that there was something, fishy about this.
However before I could think a cowboy on a horse appeared and started teaching Chris sword fighting. After this the final puzzle piece fell into place that made me understand what all this was. Randomly, the narrator, said one line that made it so clear, and that line was Matthew 11:29 in the bible, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Finally it all made sense! The war, it was rapture! The random church shit, it all made sense! This is a christian movie! This was completely solidified when, only a few minutes later, he found a “The Enigma of Amigara Fault” style cave in the shape of a cross. He kicks away his gold then enters the cave. This is when this film experience went from just surreal and crazy, to something legendary.
Chris is the main character, and he actually isn’t a christ symbol as you may believe. He’s just a typical wayward teen who gets saved by the power of christ, typical plot for these types of films. Everyone else is just kinda, there. All of them underact to hell, except for one man, of course, Iggy the top hat wearing gang leader. He over acts to shit and it’s great! I mean, it’s bad, but, you know.
We cut to Iggy, who suddenly has a skype call with his boss, who of course is supposedly Lucifer. He tells him to get back Chris. Back with Chris, we see him crossing over a lava river, when suddenly Faith is there! He saves her from falling in and they keep travelling together. Suddenly Iggy appears in a hot air balloon and kidnaps him. He destroys the Balloon and escapes, and they continue their travellers.
They come across an area called Electro city, ruled by Luke, and things, get CRAZY. SUDDENLY it’s a neon cell shaded music video! They’re in a rocket ship flying next to giant colorful robots and playing video games and shit. There’s only one rule, they have to keep these sunglasses on at all times, or the colors will melt their eyes. Suddenly we cut to Iggy on another skype call to his boss, who kills him somehow, and it’s revealed Luke is his boss!
After that, crazy experience, we suddenly discover that Faith took her glasses off and is now in your basement. It’s not even subtle, it’s clearly like the basement of a fucking house. Anyways suddenly the priestess just, appears to Chris and tells him to take off his glasses, and he does, revealing he’s been trapped in the matrix! Seriously, trapped in a virtual world while running on wheels to power something. Chris uses his sword to break him and some random blonde out, and they run!
Just before Lucifer, yeah his name is Luke but he’s clearly Lucifer, kills Faith, Chris and Blondie destroy some generators, freeing everyone! They all run, and suddenly a giant robot piloted by Lucifer comes out and explains his plan. He was using Iggy and other peoples gangs to get metal to build his army of robots to take over the world. He then kills Faith. Chris and Blondie run until they make it to a cliff, and Lucifer gives Chris one last chance to pledge his allegiance. Chris kneels, but then suddenly pulls a David and Goliath, pulling out a sling shot and shooting the robot in the eye, destroying it.
Suddenly Lucifer is alive, and they have a big sword fight on the cliff. Lucifer beats him, then Lucifer reveals that The Celestial City is on just the other side of the lake. He gives them one last chance to join him, but instead they jump off the cliff into the river! They spend some time in the water, then they suddenly get scooped up by a net. I actually think they die and go to heaven, since Faith is there, and so is his father. Finally we see Lucifer being chased down by the children he enslaved, who presumably beat him to death, the end!
Ok, now it’s time for some answers, what the fuck is this film? Well, the answer, just like the film itself, is very strange. The film is based on a 1678 Christian book written by John Bunyan. The film, from what I’ve read through on wikipedia, is somewhat true to the book, but I never read it and never will read it. This film is fucking, wild. That being said I was the only one who enjoyed it, as my friend fucking hated it and himself while watching it. So if you want to aggravate friends, or if this film sounds like your type of crazy, I would recommend it. See ya next week guys!