The Pit Review.
If you guys were at the movie night a few nights ago, you may have seen the website where we found the found all three neil breen films, movietorture.com. While setting up, I started noticing a whole bunch of wonderfully awful movies, things like, Russian terminator, Crazy Fat Ethel one and two, and the film we’ll be looking at today, the pit! Released in 1981, this film is, well, definitely a terrible movie. So let’s stop wasting time and get into this baby!
The film opens on a boy leading two kids into the forest, throwing one into a pit, and then we cut to title. That’s really about it. If the film ended here it would be great! But sadly it continues. We cut to a few days earlier, where a boy is writing on the chalkboard, apparently he did something naughty. After a bit of banter with his teacher, he’s allowed to leave. We get a little scene of him stalking the librarian, clearly showing he’s got the hots for her, then he goes home and his parents explain they’re going out of town for a few days and leaving him with a babysitter, who he also has the hots for! Keep in mind this kid is 12 and is pining for a girl who is, by her own description, twice his age.
Now the reason I wanted you to keep that in mind is because this kid does some really creepy shit. He talks to his teddy bear, which actually talks back, sneaks into the bathroom while the babysitter is showering and writes “I love you” on the mirror, and makes a prank call to the librarian saying his daughter was kidnapped and the only way to get her back is to strip in front of the window, and she does. Inerspliced between these scenes of this kid being a real creep, we see the a girl, an old woman, and some other kids being real rude to him, while he’s off buying meat for some monsters he has in a hole. No really they just sort of drop this on us.
After running out of money, the kid gets the idea to throw the mean people into the pit. He does, and these people are all seemingly oblivious to the fact that there is a massive hole in the middle of this brightly lit clearing in the middle of the woods, because people just walk right on in like dumbasses. After running out of people, he decides to show his babysitter, but some accidents happen and she comes down with a bad case of “eaten alive.”
The kid is now, haunted by the ghost of the baby sitter wait what? So, we have, Ghosts, monsters in a pit, psychopathic child, and a living talking teddy bear egging this kid on to do more evil shit. Alrighty then, just making sure. Anyways so now the monsters are free, I guess now comes the big climactic scene where they run a muck around the city! Well, we’ll see.
These characters are really weird. As established, the kid, who’s name is Jamie by the way, is a total creep. He’s also the main character. Credit where credit is due I think these characters are actually written pretty well. The creepy kid is creepy, the asshole kids are, rather believably assholeish, okay except for one but, that’s an exception.
So yeah, all these characters seem pretty fine, but there is one problem, the acting is absolutely horrific. It’s amazing to me that the director said yes to these takes! Everyone is incredibly stilted, with random pauses in the middle of sentences, it makes these characters that are written okay, and just ruins them.’
So yes, the monsters do get out of the hole, but unlike what you’d expect, their little rampage is condensed to just 2 random teens, who are killed off screen by the way, before being shot in the pit by some people, and the pit being filled up with dirt as some sort of government coverup.
Some time passes, and Jamie is moved to his grandparents, who have an adopted daughter. They run around, and seem to be getting along, until Jamie is lead to a pit full of the same monsters, and in a move that would never happen now, the little kid dies horribly. In all honesty I’m glad because the freak deserved it.
Alright, this film is really bad, but not the worst thing in the world. In all honesty I think I can actually lend some points that could make it better. Cut out the teddy and the ghost, just have it be about a crazy kid who finds a pit full of monsters and feeds people. Also make it more of a mystery, hear me out. At a certain point in the film, it seems like they were going for the angle of, the monsters aren’t real, the kids just throwing people in pits and they can’t get out so they’re dying. I thought that, but no the monsters are real. That could have made for a good suspense thriller, are the monsters real or is the kid just crazy?
However they didn’t go that route, and the film that does exist is bizarre, nonsensical at times, and has a strange tone problem. Besides, even if they went that way, the acting is still terrible, so it’s not like it would have helped. Anyways guys, get ready, because tomorrow is our 100 subscriber special, and we can’t wait to see what terrible film you guys choose for us to do!