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The Babysitter Review.

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Intro:

You know, going into this review, I had, some kind of misplaced hope in this film. I mean, the premise seemed alright, cannon films usually brings out some quality shlock, and they even got William Shatner! But then I remembered this was post Star Trek Shatner and pre Star Trek 2 Shatner and realized that this probably wasn’t gonna be too good. Well enough of this, let’s see if I opened one of the films I still had shrink wrapped for a good cause.

Plot:

The film begins with a twenty something year old girl running around the forest while being stalked by someone even older than her. She sees Freddie Prinze JR playing Fred on a boat, then runs back home to be berated by her mother for going over there. The girl, named Tara, promises she’ll stay home when her mother next goes out shopping, but then says fuck that when the stalker girl appears. She introduces herself as Joana and they run off to play with Fred. They get a phone call from Tara’s mom and they decide to end it off because she’s coming home. However, as the mom drives through the wooded area back home, Joana suddenly just appears in the middle of the road, causing her to crash!

The mom is fine, even though airbags haven’t been invented yet, and she talks with Joana and Tara, eventually deciding to hire her as a live in maid, meaning she’s not just the babysitter and now the title is a FUCKING LIE. Anyways, so we get a montage of Joana being a good mom, letting her explore out of her boundaries a bit, something her mom doesn’t let her do much, as well as being a great cook! However, not all is as it seems. Joana gets the mom to start drinking after being sober for many years, then she tries to seduce the dad, failing horribly, and then the grand father of Fred hears her say that she came from Seattle, where as she told the parents she lived on this little island they live on currently.

Ok guys I’m gonna level with you. Up to about this point in the film I’m thinking things are actually pretty alright. Got some ok writing, and a good setup, and since now we’re done with act 1, surely the horror parts gonna kick in about now, right? Wrong! The next, lets say, 50 minutes of this movie can be summed up in 3 sentences. Joana makes the mom more and more of an alcoholic wreck, Joana keeps trying to seduce the dad, and Fred’s grandpa finds out someone says she killed her baby. So! Instead of subjecting you to all that shit, we’re just gonna move along and skip to the end, ok?

Characters:

These characters, for the most part, are perfectly fine. The mom and dad are both in a struggling marriage, and the actors do a fine job portraying them. I expected William Shatner to just be a cameo, like a doctor in one scene, but no he’s actually the dad! Even Joana plays her character acceptably. The only standout is Tara, for one reason, she’s clearly, clearly an adult, she’s taller than her mom even, yet they’re trying to get across that she’s 12 years old. It’s incredibly obvious, even to a fucking child, that she’s an adult. At first I thought she was an adult, like with mental issues or something, but NOPE, the imdb summary, back of the VHS case, and even the film itself, clearly states that she’s 12 years old, and I call some serious bullshit on that. If you can’t get someone who even remotely looks like a child, then change the fucking script or something!

The Ending:

So, after all that nothing, we finally get something interesting when Joana is on a sailboat with Fred and Tara, when she knocks the bottom of the sail against Fred’s head, knocking him out and sending him into the water, drowning him. So after that Tara freaks the fuck out but doesn’t tell anyone for some reason. Later, grandpa finds out where Joana last did this, just as her murderous urges kick in. She knocks out the parents and starts chasing around Tara, as grandpa finds some dead bodies on the old bed!

Now confident Joanas a murderer, he rushes off back home just as Tara reaches her unconscious mother and wakes her up. Joana walks into the room carrying a big ass knife, monologues a bit, but then the dad springs to life and starts wrestling with her for the knife. Grandpa man walks in, sees all this happening, and has the most hilarious under reaction to what’s going on, then eventually Joana drops the knife and goes into another monologue, this one making absolutely no sense, about how she’s tired of this routine of going to a new family, killing them, then moving on, and all I can say is, “well if that’s the case you should probably find a new career or maybe, you know, stop murdering people. If she’s sane enough to know what she’s doing is wrong then there’s no fucking excuse. Anyways, then she gets taken away, Tara gives her this doll for no reason and, the end.

Conclusion:

Holy shit this films quality nose dived faster than those TF2 item values. It sucks because the first act of the film was alright, and it could have been a fun and enjoyable flick, but the entire second act and almost all the 3rd act is just the same scenes repeated over and over, it just gets so fucking dull. Plus at the end it all just goes completely off the fucking rails. Don’t bother with this film, it’s not worth your time. Anyways, hope you guys have a good sunday, I’ll see ya guys next week.

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