The Adventures of Pinocchio Review!
Here’s a fun fact, I love Disney. I know I haven’t exactly talked about any of their films on these reviews yet but, they definitely hold a special place in my heart. Oddly enough now one of my favorite Disney films is Pinocchio, since to me it seems to be the one of the classic era that holds up the best. I mean, I love snow white, sleeping beauty, and so on, but they are a tad bit dated. Now, I’ve known about this film for quite some time, and I know it’s not made by Disney, so I’ve been interested in tearing it a new one ever since I saw it had about a 5 on imdb. So let’s chow down!
The film starts out a tad bit strange, as it explains that Geppetto, a young puppet maker, once carved a heart into a tree with the initials of him and his crush inside of it. Later that night, the tree gets struck by lightning, and about 40 years later Geppetto finds that the tree is nothing more than a log on a stump, and it seems as though the log itself is alive. Geppetto decides to take this moving stump home with him and carves out the best puppet he can.
Immediately after carving said puppet, it comes to life! Reasonably Geppetto thinks he’s absolutely insane. But he gets used to it when Pinocchio runs out onto a roof to catch a pigeon. After a bit of running he falls off the roof and into a bunch of clothes lines, where he falls into his clothes. Turns out Geppettos old crush, who I think is named Leena, is still friends with him, so she lets him keep the clothes. Also no one ever really seems that surprised by the fact that Pinocchio is, well, alive. Including our version of Honest John and Gideon, who are actually humans in this world, and honest john is actually a woman! But we’re still calling him Honest John.
Anyways, Honest John and Gideon, played by Rob Schneider by the way, go off to tell Stromboli, and yes he’s not named Stromboli in this film but, shut up. So Stromboli goes over to Geppetto, and offers to buy Pinocchio. He denies, but without them noticing Pinocchio sneaks off to, school. There he meets Lampwick, whom he immediately punches. The teacher, who is unphased by the fact that a living puppet is in his class, and instead asks him if he punched Lampwick. Pinocchio lies, grows his nose, tells the truth, shrinks his nose, and gets kicked out for lying. But not before we establish that only real humans cry.
After a bit he runs into a pastry shop, starts stealing tasty food, causes a huge ruckus, and gets Geppetto arrested, for some reason, and Pinocchio runs off. We get an actually emotional scene of pinocchio seeing a real boy saying he loves his dad, and Pinocchio feeling sad that his papa doesn’t talk to him the way the boys dad does. Anyways, Pinocchio gets arrested, and while on trial Stromboli agrees to pay all of Geppettos fines, and in exchange all he gets is Pinocchio and damn it it’s another emotional scene when they say goodbye. What the fuck is happening why is this film working!?
Pinocchio does a little song at Strombolis play, which is okay, but it’s no “Got no strings.” Pinocchio then accidentally burns down the entire building after getting some money, and so pinocchio runs off into the woods, then into a church. He drops a coin into the donation bin, which attracts Honest John and Gideon. They tell Pinocchio to bury his coins to grow a money tree so he can pay enough money for a miracle to be a real boy. He does, but when he goes back to find the money tree he finds out that he’s been had. Jesus we need a break from this plot for a sec.
Okay we all know these characters, so let’s skip right to the acting. Most of the acting is, actually pretty good! I mean yeah it’s got Rob Schneider, and occasionally Geppetto just sounds, off, but again most of the acting is actually not terrible. Even Pinocchio, voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas, is well acted. So way to go live action Pinocchio, your acting is on point!
Good lord the effects on Pinocchio are amazing! I’m not joking, while there are a few scenes out there that look a little, odd, it’s definitely the exception more than the rule. The amount of expression they can get out of this puppet is astounding to me, especially since this isn’t CGI. I actually can’t tell if its an animatronic or puppet, I’d honestly be surprised either way. There is one character, the cricket, and it’s not good, but still, everything else is good. Once again, there’s clearly a lot of good work going on here, at least a lot more than I expected!
While Pinocchio was still feeling upset, a random carriage pulls up with lampwick and a bunch of other kids, who tell him that they’re going to pleasure island, which isn’t an island in this movie but a valley. Anyways they get there, break some stuff, and accidently shoot a bunch of holes into Pinocchio. As a reward, they all get tickets to some roller coaster, in which water is sprayed onto them that they’re told to drink. They ride the ride, drink the drink, and they all turn into donkeys! Except for Pinocchio, since the water pours out of the holes.
At the end of the ride, all the donkeys are unloaded, but Pinocchio is actually a good guy in this film, and frees all the donkeys! He then pushes Stromboli, who was in charge of pleasure island, into the water, who turns into a strange monster before jumping into the water. All the boys, humans and donkeys alike, run off home, and Pinocchio runs off as well. However, he’s told by Lenna that Geppetto went off into the sea in order to find him, so Pinocchio goes off to find him.
While out in the sea, Pinocchio gets swallowed by monstro, which is actually the Stromboli monster. He finds Geppetto in monstro, and they decide to break out. Pinocchio lies to make his nose grow to stretch out monstros throat so they can escape. He saves Geppetto from drowning, they embrace, Pinocchio finally cries, and becomes a real boy. At the end the donkeys become boys again, and Honest John and Gideon become a fox and a cat. Geppetto and Lenna get together, and Pinocchio is raised by both of them, the end!
God damn it these reviews are just getting longer and longer. And another god damn it, this film is actually good! The acting is good, the effects and set design is realistic, and while the films not as good as the disney classic, it’s still really good. So, yeah, I guess watch it if you want or if you have a kid, I’d say at least for the effects. This review is gonna go over well I’m sure. I can at least say this though, it is much better than all the recent disney remakes.