The Adventures of Hercules Review!
Who doesn’t like the Greeks? Well you probably don’t if they owe you thousands of dollars, so let’s all pretend it’s hundreds, nay, thousands of years back in time when ancient Greece was at its highest point, a time of gods, monsters and myths! I’m a big fan of Greek mythology, not enough to recite the twelve gods of Olympus without a few minutes to google them, but I just find a lot of things about ancient Greece interesting. This brings us to this weeks review, The Adventures of Hercules, a film I found while randomly browsing cannon films Wikipedia page, or did I? It turns out, through sheer dumb luck, while searching for a copy of Hercules from 1983, I actually found The Adventures of Hercules from 1985 on youtube, which I would later find out is the films sequel, so that’s what we’re doing this week.
The film begins with a long monologue that’s basically doing what I was doing at the start of the review, hyping up Greek mythology. After this comes a 5 minute intro sequence that plays a lot like a TV show intro, and we seriously thought that’s what we they were doing, but those were actually scenes from the original. The thing is though, you really don’t need to watch it so forget that I ever mentioned it, as I will for the rest of this review.
After that shit, Zeus pops up and starts expositioning about what’s going on. Basically four gods go rogue from Zeus and steal all 7 of his thunderbolts. Without these thunderbolts the universe is fucked, so Zeus throws Hercules to earth. We also see a sacrifice happening between a few people and the electricity gremlin from gremlins 2. Side note, why is it always 7 items that need to be collected? I mean think about it, Sonic, Dragon Ball, Mario RPG, it’s almost always 7 things. Look if there’s an explanation for this that I just don’t know, that probably explains why I don’t get paid for this shit.
Anyways, I digress, so after that sacrifice some girls run off into the woods. At the same time, Hercules stumbles into fucking Sasquatch, kills him, and then he fades away and reveals the lightning bolt. It’s here we learn that the lightning bolts are inside of these beasts that Hercules has to kill. He then bumps into the women that ran away from the sacrifice, and Hercules agrees to take down the monster if they help him in his quest. They agree and we start the pattern that continues through the rest of the movie. Hercules and the girls, whose names I don’t think we ever learned so we’re just gonna call them Brunette and Blonde, go to a place, fight a monster, get a bolt, then move on.
While all this is happening, the rogue gods revive some dead king that Hercules once killed. Supposedly he’s got some impressive powers and stuff, but like, does that mean that he’s more powerful than a god? Fine, whatever, he’s got some powers. Back with Hercules, after they get a few more bolts, Hercules and Blonde get some magic leaf things that they use to live underwater, talk to mermaids, and get a potion that they can use to protect Hercules from the Electricity gremlin, and then head off to fight him, after finding that Brunette has been kidnapped by the sacrifice guys.
Hercules fights the Electrical gremlin, wins, and gets another bolt. They get a few more bolts, and while this happens Eris, the goddess of discord, gives the king “The powers of Trickery” and shit like that. By powers of Trickery she must mean the power of shooting lasers out of his eyes and hands. He gets teleported to earth and starts a fight with our heroes. They manage to escape, and somehow get to star road where the last bolt is supposed to be.
Oh boy these are like, character archetypes to the letter. They don’t really change or grow, which I guess is what you should expect given the fact that it’s based on a Greek hero myth and all. How are the actors then? Bad. They’re just all bad. I was surprised, though, to actually recognize someone, that being Lou Ferrigno in the leading role of Hercules! I mean, fine I guess, he looks like he could kick some serious ass, so, at least physically he looks alright.
So! After making it to star road to get the last of the stars to fight smithy, plot twist! It turns out Brunette isn’t actually Brunette, but an evil copy of Brunette! Zeus kills Eris and King walks up and says how he did this evil plan thing and demands the 7 thunder bolts so he can wish to rule the universe or some shit, point is no one actually knows where the bolt is since it’s apparently not here. Hercules decides to fight and we get the final battle which is, possibly, the strangest turn of events yet.
Hera gives Hercules a shield, and sword, and suddenly becomes rotoscoped? I guess this is meant to be him going Super Hercules due thanks to the bolts or some shit. After killing a few goons of King, he goes super himself and they start duking it out! Then randomly the king becomes a fucking DINOSAUR, then Hercules becomes a gorilla! Who needs Kong vs Godzilla when we have what look like silly bands bonking each other on the head in space. After that the dinosaur transforms into a snake, but Hercules just kinda, throws him away and he blows up.
But the day is not saved yet! As the world is falling into chaos without the last thunderbolt. We get our final plot twist, as it’s revealed that Blonde is the daughter of Hera and the last bolt is inside her. She dies in order to get the last thunderbolt, which Zeus uses to grow Hercules to a giant, and he stops the Earth and Moon from colliding, which is suddenly a problem. The day is saved, and Hercules and Blondes souls are memorialized in the stars, and they both get to chill on Olympus. The End!
This film is, definitely not good. The production value is low, the acting is bad, the plot can sometimes be confusing, but at the same time I feel like this is the type of shit kids would love. It’s just action, action, action, basically non stop. It’s almost like a video game in the way it’s structured, and like, I’d give it a shot I guess. I think that’s the only group I’d ever recommend this too, if you have a kid who’s into Greek mythology, show him these films and they’ll definitely love it. See ya guys next week!