Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 Review.
You know, earlier this week I watched the first TMNT film on vhs. I really enjoyed it, from its great plot, acting, and amazing special effects from the Jim Henson Company, its a top notch flick. I then started thinking about the sequel, secret of the ooze, something I also watched a few months back out of curiosity. I remember it being a fine film, not as great but still good, and with a nice step up from the first film with the turtles now fighting a new pair of mutants. Then I remembered the third film in the trilogy. I’ve heard critics much better than me talk about it before, but I’ve never actually sat down and watched it. So, I decided to do just that, and that my friends is how this review came to be! So let’s do this!
The plot begins in feudal japan, with a man on horseback being chased down. He stops in the middle of the woods and has some of the worst sword fighting I’ve ever seen with the other guys on horseback. Finally his sword is knocked out of his hand and I guess he just accepts his loss because they pull his horse and instead of like, jumping off he just stays on his horse. But while this happens, a girl is watching. Suddenly we cut to the turtles in the turtle lair who are just showing off. As expected, they don’t sound anything like they did in the past films, and neither does splinter. But they’re not the only actors who were replaced, as April O’Neil comes down to see them. Well, to be fair they replaced her in the second one, but I just felt like it needed to be pointed out.
Anyways she comes bearing gifts for then turtles, and for splinter, and then says she’s gonna go on vacation. She pulls out this weird scepter that looks more like a lantern. Meanwhile in ancient japan the guy who was taken by the guards is revealed to be the emperors son, whos on the side of a rebellion against his dad. Just before emperor kills his son, our main bad guy just trots in on a horse. His name is Walter. Walter! What kind of a villain name is Walter it’s literally the least intimidating name I can think of!
Anyways he makes his plot clear, to sell the japanese his guns. Prince gets away and destroys a statue in a room in the Pagoda, where he finds the same scepter. He reads some words on it the zap him and April trade places in time, and for some reason also trade clothes. Prince thinks he was taken by Cappas, while the japanese guards think April is a witch. She gets tried and arrested after being proven not a witch. Back in the present the turtles decide to travel back in time to save April, so they get Casey Jones to watch the prince and the 4 guys who would travel to the present in their place. Its also established that if things aren’t fixed in 60 hours, the timeline is fucked and so is the universe. Remember that.
They travel in time, but to their shock they’re in the middle of a battlefield. Mikey gets lost in the scuffle and the rest of the turtles decide to follow the army back to the castle. Meanwhile April’s in the dungeon, another inmate joins her whos supposed to look like Casey Jones. He really doesn’t but, whatever. Meanwhile again Mikey ends up getting caught by the rebellion, lead by the girl from the start of the film. Back at the pagoda, Raph, Leo, and Donny rescue april and the other guy, then flee into the forest to find Mikey. The next morning Raph starts loving the nature of it all, like clean water and air. Suddenly the three of them are attacked by the rebellion.
However, suddenly the lady stops the fight as she recognizes that the turtles look like Mikey. They take them to their village and then see the village is on fire! We have a short action scene and the turtles are reunited! Suddenly they notice a hut is on fire with a little boy inside of it. Mikey runs in and saves him, and then Leo performs CPR, saving the boy, named Yoshi. After this the village respects them, but it seems that the scepter is gone. They plan, then, to rebuild it. While this happens, Raph bonds with Yoshi, playing with him and shit. Now, realistically since Raph is a jerk and a hot head he should be the last one to bond with a kid, but fuck it this film needs to get out quickly cause we already made the samurai TMNT toys.
Later, the scepter is finished, the night before the rebellion attacks the pagoda. But in a scuffle to see it it gets dropped and breaks. At the same time Walter convinces the emperor to buy his guns to take down the rebellion. Raph visits Yoshi and gives him a yo-yo for a gift. In return, Yoshi gives Raph the scepter! Raph goes to the guys and then blames the lady, saying she told Yoshi to hide it so the turtle’s can help. Just before they can time travel, the Casey guy takes the lady hostage for the scepter, then just takes both and runs to the Pagoda. With no other options, the turtles must fight.
Jeeze, how do you fuck up the characters of the turtles? I mean yeah no one else has any depth and the acting is wooden, but the 80s cartoon made these turtles more diverse! We all know the words, Leonard leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but rude, and Michelangelo is a party dude. But in this film they just all act like Mikey! They’re all just joking chucklefucks. It doesn’t help that 3 of them sound exactly the same either. They’re basically at 90s pop group levels of interchangeable at this point.
Good god what happened. The costumes and effects in TMNT 1 and 2 looked great! The faces were expressive and didn’t just flap up and down, and the production budget is bigger for this film than the first one, so how the hell does it look so much worse! The turtles look like they’re those mascots at Disney with moving mouths, but worse! At least those heads mouths aren’t like 70% teeth. They look creepy and horribly unconvincing! That’s really all that needs to be said, so fuck it let’s move on.
So, the turtles use their samurai gear to sneak into the Pagoda. They break out the lady and we get one big fight scene after another. Ok, one point to this first fight scene, its choreographed, moderately well. Anyways they spill out into the pagoda and break out the slaves, who somehow already have makeshift weapons. Like pitchforks and torches. A battle happens and the emperor has a sword fight with Leo, and ends up trapped in a bell. Suddenly Walter brings out his men with guns.
Leo decides to use the fact they think they’re Cappas to his advantage, and says that if they fire their guns at them it wont do anything. Walter calls his bluff and fires a cannon ball at his head, but Leo uses his turtle powers to hide in his shell so it misses. Then everyone just runs away, so I guess the rebellion wins. Walter grabs his Scepter and tries to escape, but the turtles corner him at the edge of a cliff. He throws the scepter into the air and tries to escape, but the turtles catch it and Casey guy hits him with a catapulted fireball and knocks him off the cliff, killing him instantly.
A little later, the turtles meet up to say their goodbyes, and Mikey says he wants to stay. Ok now it’s time for the gloves to come off. 1. Why. Mikey had no established attachment here, Raph did! He’s the one who enjoyed the nature, he’s the one who bonded with Yoshi. 2. Remember what I said earlier about the universe being fucked if they don’t get back in 60 hours? Well the turtles don’t! They keep saying how he has to come because they’re brothers and shouldn’t be apart, and all I can think is “The universe is fucked if he doesn’t go back!” Then to further cement the idea that even the writers forgot which turtle was which, Mikey for some reason hugs Yoshi goodbye, but he takes too long and doesn’t travel to the present with the rest, but he does seconds later anyways so fuck it. The emperor surrenders to the rebellion, and Splinter wears a goofy hat. The end!
Wow! This is shit! I mean, it’s kinda worse than I even thought it would be. If you want a good TMNT movie, watch the first one. If you have kids, or you can put up with some more childish elements, then check out the second one, but please just avoid this one. It’s just so bad. The plot is confused whos who, the acting sucks, and the effects are fucking terrible. This isn’t the worst film we’ve done here, but it’s still pretty fucking bad. Have a nice week everyone! See ya guys next time.