Swamp Ape Review.
Ok, so, real talk. Originally we were planning on reviewing a crazy russian movie Tanki, by request of one of our fans, but, we couldn’t find a version with working subtitles. So after a lot of debate we finally found this film, and so here we are. So, I guess here we go!
The film begins with two people, and a dog, hunting I guess. The dog runs off and runs into some nearby water. There the swamp ape attacks, and kills the dog! As well as the two hunters. Cut to our main character, who I think is named Mack, playing volleyball. He gets called into his professors office, where he gets told that if he doesn’t go with him on an expedition to some swamp, then he’ll fail the class. He doesn’t want to though, since the volleyball tournament is coming up! Who cares.
Cut to them getting into a van, and we’re introduced to our main characters. A dude bro named Theo, a fat black girl named Wendy, a dork named Carl, a closet lesbian named Lily, and her slut crush Anna. They make their way down to a boat house, where they meet a Ranger named Steve, who all the girls wanna bang!
After green screening their way across the swamp to an island where they’re going to be staying. What a coincidence that this random island in the middle of nowhere has a KOA because that’s where they’re sleeping. After some shenanigans, involving Carl, the only one with a working phone, getting thrown in the water, thus ruining his phone, we cut to everyone around a campfire, where Steve explains what the swamp ape is, and how he wants to catch it.
The next day, our group starts exploring and collecting water samples and all. After a bit of wandering, our crew comes across a cage that was set up by Steve, they even have video evidence of the Swamp Ape! They all go back to camp, except for Wendy, who sneaks off to eat some sweets, where she is suddenly caught and killed by the Swamp Ape! Alright guys a lot is about to happen so let’s take a quick break.
You know these characters, hell I even explained them earlier! No of course there aren’t any character changes or development, they’re all static characters. And no these actors aren’t good at acting. I was honestly shocked checking IMDB to see that there are some actual actors in this movie, those being Derek Russo and Adam Brudnicki, which definitely threw me off. I thought these guys were just a bunch of friends who had a passion project, but apparently this had a budget, which is kinda disappointing giving what we’re gonna talk about next.
Alright, let’s do this. Let me tell you folks the effects in this movie are some of the worst. First off, the swamp ape costume itself. It’s face looks like if an actual ape got slammed in the face with a shovel. His mouth also never moves, it just kinda hangs open slightly, making him look like he has a few mental problems.
Other than just the costume, there’s a few other problems. Green screen is obvious, the alligators are pretty obviously just like, toy boats with plastic alligator heads plopped on top, and there’s a scene where a boat gets flipped in the water, but it’s so clearly a toy boat! What is this, in time? The effects in this are bad, and not in a charming way, it’s just kind of annoying.
So after noticing that Wendy is missing, Theo and Anna go off to find her, but actually just have sex. Suddenly they notice they’re not alone, and run off to hide, where they find Wendy dead! After a bit more running, Theo is knocked unconscious and he thinks Anna is dead. Cut to later at night, Theo wakes up and runs off to the camp, and tells them what’s going on. Steve calls for backup, but the only back up they have gets eaten by Alligators. Or crocodiles, I don’t really give a shit.
After a bit of a battle, Carl’s arm gets ripped off, the professor dies, and Lily also gets kidnapped. They put Carl in a cabin for safety, and we cut back to Anna, who is alive, and in the cage that was meant for the Swamp Ape. Lily is also put in the cell, and the Swamp Ape then gets a red rocket, on screen. Yes, really. So hey look at that we’re back at Humanoids from the deep! Yes, the monster wants to bang these humans. He takes Anna away to rape her first, she scratches his eye, and he pounds her face in.
Angered by this, Theo goes in for a fight, traps him in the cage for a bit, then dies. They then run off to find a boat. Carl dies, who cares, and our guys get on a boat and paddle off. Steve gets pulled off, and killed. Our last two heroes make it to the mainland, and some guy we barely saw before so I didn’t think we needed to talk about him comes up and tranquilizers the Swamp Ape. He starts saying some shit about how he was innocent, and then the film just, ends. 10/10.
Oh boy this film was, something else. Fun fact, this film is actually free on youtube! Apparently it was also made by youtubers, but I couldn’t really find which ones aside from the channel it was posted on. But that doesn’t really save it. While I did have fun watching it, I honestly think that, unlike most bad movies I like, I think this is just because I’m a psychopath. So I suggest you guys avoid it.