Ladies and Gentlemen, I suggest you prepare yourselves. You might think this is just another movie about a monkey, but I can assure you, you are not ready for this film. Then again, you might never be ready for this film. This movie, Spymate, might just change your life. This film is the textbook example, of so bad it’s good. It’s genuinely amazing how so bad yet also so amazing this film is. So, sit back, and allow me to take you through the magical land of spymate.
The film begins with our Chimp, named Minky, infiltrating a middle eastern terrorist camp, disarming a large missile, having a sword fight, then freeing the american they have hostage who’s, apparently, his partner. They fly off, and we hear that the spy man is planning on quitting the force, and that he has a family to look over now. Honestly the film would probably get a perfect 10 right there but then it just keeps going till it gets to a 15.
10 years later the spy man now has a genius daughter! How genius? She invented a laser that can turn STONE INTO OXYGEN. I don’t think that’s possible but fuck it. She gives a presentation and this creepy pedophile man basically kidnaps the girl, takes her to japan, and fakes a message from her father saying it’s fine for her to go to japan, and essentially work on like, a giant version of the laser. But fuck that shit, what’s going on with the monkey?
WELL last paragraph let me tell you, Minky is currently working in a circus, where he has a fully functional jetpack powerful enough for him to fly past an AIRPLANE, fly into the tent, and save one of his performer friends from falling to his death. Suddenly he’s greeted by his old spy friend, who informs him of the situation. Turns out they found out about the kidnapping, and are trying to get her back. The circus freaks are allowed to come too, for some reason.
After a bit of sleuthing, the spy man finds out the pedophiles old partner is in Jamaica. They meet up and explain to her the situation. She agrees to help them out, and informs them they might be in japan. They travel over there, and find the building the girl is being kept in. However, just as they infiltrate, the pedophile whisks her off to his secret base in the mountains. Minky tries to hold on, but falls and is now lost in the mountains with a strange old man. Will our heros find out where the secret base is? Who is this strange old man? I’ll tell you the batshit crazy answers to those questions later, but for now, let’s talk characters.
Look, I love this movie, no really I do, but as a critic, I mean I guess I could be considered a critic, I have to look at these guys without bias and, wow these guys are one dimensional. Spy man is an ex spy who loves his daughter, the scientist lady does literally nothing the entire movie but look a bit sexy and seduce the pedophile at the end. The little girl is probably the most productive, she’s the one who finds out the pedophiles evil plan, she finds out how he managed to fake those messages from her dad, she actually does do some shit, and grew up to be emma roberts! No really that’s emma roberts.
The pedophile is the big bad guy, his evil plan is to use the laser to dig a hole to the center of the earth, and blow up Japan! Now, why does he want to do this? To be, famous, uh, alright then. Minky is a chimp who was trained by the government to be a fighting machine. There’s also the circus freaks, Fly, Lightning, Human bowling ball, and the world’s strongest man. They’re kinda, there, and only ever do one thing, which we’ll get to right about now!
In order to find out where the pedophiles secret base is, the best superhero group since sense of right alliance, the circus freaks, work together to break into pedophiles house and hack into his computer. They do so, and find out it’s location, so spy dad and scientist lady head over!
Meanwhile, Minky finds himself in a fucking NINJA CLAN, where he beats the SHIT out of their master! Since he has earned their respect, they tell him how to get to the secret base, which I guess they just know. Before we leave this, I just want to say when Minky wakes up in the ninja clan, their old wise leader man tells him something to the effect of, “You are the great chimp who will save Japan!” Just, I felt like you needed to know that.
Finally, our heros all make it to the secret base, and dad spy very easily takes out the pedophile. Suddenly a whole bunch of ninjas attack, and just as suddenly the ninja clan comes in, and we have a massive ninja on ninja monkey and dad fight scene, and it’s just, glorious. Finally, our heros disarm the laser, and escape just as it explodes! Killing everyone in the base, including the pedophile man.
However the danger is not over, as an avalanche happens! It’s rather easily taken care of. Our spy dad is reunited with his daughter, him and scientist lady get together. And, are you ready for this? This one of the craziest parts, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES JUST FUCKING CALLS MINKY AND TELLS HIM HE HAS A MISSION FOR HIM! AND THAT’S THE END! IT JUST ENDS THERE! OOOH MY GOD THIS FILMS AMAZING.
I fully mean what I just said by the way, this film is so bad, it’s freaking amazing. The best way I could describe it is one of those movies you see in television shows that’s meant to be a joke, but it’s actually real. I highly suggest this movie, but not just like, noon on a sunday, in fact today is the perfect day to do this. Grab your friends, grab a bunch of beer, get trashed and watch this movie. You’ll love it.
There’s so much more weird shit in this movie I just didn’t mention because I don’t want to ruin them. Me and my friends thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and I’m sure you and yours will too. One last thing, I hope you guys have a great memorial day!