So tell me what you want what you really really want, I’ll tell you what I want what I really really want, so tell me what you want what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, Really really really wanna not watch this film. OH BURN! Alright let’s be serious for a bit, in the 90s the spice girls were fucking everywhere. They had tons of albums, video games, even dolls! Once again I have some of this shit, or should I say my sister does. Not only does she have this film, but she also has a scary spice doll! But I’m not going to root through my sister junk to find it so just take my word for it. Anyways I digress, let’s get on with the review!
The plot to this film is very, simple I guess is the word we’re looking for. It starts off with the spice girls just, doing stuff, singing and going around on tour and shit while a documentary crew tries to film them, when suddenly we’re introduced to a random pregnant asian lady. She’s apparently an old friend of the girls, and they talk for a bit. After a bit more nothing, and some tardis bullshit with their tour bus, driven by meatloaf of course, we meet the villain! He’s some asshole who runs a newspaper.
His plan is simple, get some top tier level paparazzi guy to get photos of the spice girls, then get them to break up so he can sell more newspapers. This begins a scene where the spice girls insult the pope and the guy gets it on video. The pope is outraged, I guess, and they make the newspaper headlines. Then they meet aliens in a completely useless scene where they go pissing in the woods. Then they leave. Allow me to repeat that, THE SPICE GIRLS MEET ALIENS, WHO BY THE WAY ARE FANS OF THEM, AND THEN THEY JUST LEAVE.
After a bit more nothing the spice girls let two girls who I guess won some kind of, meet the spice girls competition, onto their tardus of a tour bus. They then steal a random boat and almost drown the two girls and posh spice! Way to go dumbasses! This also makes the front page. After a bit more ego boosting and singing the spice girls have a big blow up argument and fuck off before IMMEDIATELY getting back together. This is after they all have a simultaneous flashback to the exact same event where they sing the only song anyone knows from them anymore.
Suddenly the asian lady is back in the plot for some fucking reason! She starts giving birth so the spice girls take her to the hospital. The baby is born, blanket and all. I guess she shoved that in there not too long ago, and the spice girls realize, OH SHIT! We have a massive performance to get to! Oh and also they give that paparazzi guy serious brain damage.
Okay guys listen up because this is baffling to me, despite their fucking names being their characters, guess what, THE SPICE GIRLS HAVE NO DIFFERENT CHARACTERISTICS! Okay thats not true, Posh occasionally gets upset, but aside from that everyone else acts exactly alike! Hell sometimes not even to their character names! Scary spice is never scary, Sporty spice is only sporty in one instance where she’s on an exercise bike, Baby spice is just creepy, and Ginger spice is the worst one because her name isn’t even a character!
They all just act exactly the same, almost always positive, fighting for girl power, there’s never anything interesting like say, actual conflict! The band has one fight, breaks up, then gets back together and are best friends. Whoopity doo. Also really, what the fuck is Ginger spices character even supposed to be? That she’s a redhead? That she likes spices? That she has no soul and is a hedonistic satan worshiper? Honestly it could be all three and I wouldn’t know because this movie didn’t do shit to show any of their characters off!
Alright so this is where the film gets, weird, because randomly it starts actually being funny. Like, on purpose. So while on their way to their big show, these two movie guys start like, narrating what’s happening, like they’re explaining to their manager they wanna make a spice girls movie and that what’s happening is also the plot?
Anyways we get a funny joke here where they say that a big stunt would be very expensive, so instead of actually filming it and stuff they just like, setup toy tracks and push a little car that looks like their tour bus and it makes the jump instead. It’s clearly supposed to be a joke though, and it works. Then a police officer stops the girls and literally asks them for their flying bus license, another funny one, and lastly the manager is talking to the camera, pulls noose out of his ass and says he’s gonna fucking hang himself on stage!
Anyways the spice girls make it, sing their song, the newspaper makes lots of money from their spice girls breaking up newspapers, and even more for them getting together, yeah you guys kinda forgot about that, the end!
I was really hoping this film would be funny, but it wasn’t. There were a few moments of ironic pleasure from watching it, and those 3 jokes at the end, but for the most part it’s just the spice girls stroking their egos for over an hour. I suggest skipping this one mates, there’s really nothing here.