Shark Night 3D Review.
Oh boy this movies a crafty one! First off I’m sure by now if you’ve heard of the shark movie curse. That being that pretty much every shark movie is somewhat terrible. Don’t believe me? Aside from Jaws, what is the first shark movie that comes to your head. Maybe it was, Sharknado, or those mega shark movies, or maybe even shark exorcist. Point is, these movies are terrible. But at first this movie makes you think, maybe, this one is one of the only not bad ones. Hahaha, no.
The film starts off, like I said, pretty not terrible. It has a hot of a girl dying in the lake that holds the sharks. We then transition to a few scenes introducing our characters, which are handled well. We’ll sum them up in their basic characters though, Nerd, Hipster, Jock, ooo we also have a Black Jock! There’s also slut, main girl and, uh, the other one. Black guy got a good grade on his test so they all decide to go to main girls families lake house for the weekend to celebrate!
When they get there however, we’re introduced to two characters, who we’ll call the dumb hick and the racist yokel. I’ve been advised to say that I’m not being offensive towards southerners, that’s just their characters. Then again personally I think southerners aren’t pussies and therefore wouldn’t care but whatever. Anyways so Yokel reveals he’s an ex of main girl, and for some reason he upsets her by saying she studied in psychology. I mean, is that an insult?
Anyways, they ride a boat to the lake house, which is apparently on it’s own damn island, and for some reason has a pool like three yards away from the lake. We’re also introduced to the sheriff, who seemingly is on good terms with main girl. Then they start to party and we see some boobs! However just barely not enough boob to get an R rating. Anyways the party stops when the shark knocks the black guy off the board and bites off his arm. He survives though! And he makes it to the shore and they start giving him some medical help thanks to a first aid kit!
They decide to take him to the main land, like normal people would do, however the shark attacks the boat and they lose other one. Oooh nooo. Then we get the first stupid scene, somehow the shark broke the controls, the boat crashes, and then explodes. later that night they’re shooting off shotgun shells and flares and attract the attention of Yokel and Hick. They explain the situation and they decide to help, so they give slut and hipster a ride on their boat to go get some help while the rest stay behind to keep black jock calm and stable. Wow so far it seems like they’re making all the right choices and still losing, this might be alright!
Nope! This is where the film takes a turn. After a few surprisingly well acted scenes, in the middle of the same night Black Jock somehow manages to sneak out and only nerd notices. He says he’s going to kill the shark with a fucking spear, walks waist high water, gets attacked by a fucking hammerhead, and somehow wins! Yeah nerd pitches in but that’s later on near the end! This is just the beginning, get this, they find a fucking CAMERA ON THE SHARK! Like, not attached to the shark, it’s like it was surgically implanted!
Meanwhile we find out that Yokel and Hick are evil when they kill Hipster and Slutty, and for some reason record it. The deaths also become a lot dumber now, like having a shark jump out of the water and snipe hipster from a tree, and getting eaten alive by a bunch of little baby sharks. If anyone references the video in the comments it’s gonna get deleted. Or not. Whatever fuck it. Anyways Jock and Black jock both die as Jock tries to get Black jock back to the main land on a jet ski. Black jock tries to sacrifice himself but Jock turns himself around to save him then dies. Sheriff then appears, finds out what’s going on and calls in for help. Things seem to be looking up!
Alright these guys are, definitely something. The best way I can describe them is, not unlikable. That’s really about it, they’re definitely not assholes but they also don’t have anything that makes me like them or want them to survive. This of course is besides the asshole characters, who are assholes. They’re, serviceable I guess.
The acting also isn’t really that bad, I mean it’s also not that good though. Again, much like the characters themselves it’s, serviceable. I’d say, respectable local theater levels of acting. Then again I’m not sure if such a thing exists so whatever.
While waiting for backup at the house, Sheriff puts down his walkie talkie then goes into the other room, but main girl overhears Hick and Yokel on the other side of the radio! Sheriff is a bad guy! Bum bun bum! He knocks out main girl and she gets taken onto Hick and Yokels boat. Meanwhile sheriff is about to feed nerd to a shark, and record it to sell it to people on the internet. However, due to his cunning nerd manages to out smart him, set him on fire, and cause him to jump into the water and get eaten. Nerd goes outside and notices Hick and Yokels boat not too far away, so he does the only logical thing and dives head first into the shark infested water.
He somehow makes it to the water just as Yokel is carrying out his evil plan of killing main girl in a shark cage. He gets on the boat, takes a gun to Hicks head, but Yokels like “whatever,” stabs Hick himself, then gets shot. Oops. He somehow survives long enough to make the cage drop, and Nerd dives in! We then get an underwater fight that ends in Yokel getting eaten by a shark and that shark getting its head exploded by some fake gun. Nerd and Main girl get on the boat, kiss, and the end!
The biggest problem with this film really is the second half. It feels like the first half was written by people who wanted to make a serious thriller about people stuck on an island being hunted by sharks, then half way through production there was a massive rewrite that changed the entire second half of the movie! According to my research though that’s not the case! This film is an exercise in lost potential, I do not recommend this film at all, just watch jaws. Or deep blue sea, or hell even sharknado, at least those films are stupid but fun. This is not fun, and that’s it’s worst problem.