Well here’s an interesting story, I found out about this movie while watching a 1990s rugrats VHS tape not too long ago. Why was I doing this? Well why are you being so judgy? Point is it looked like absolute shit. Me and man thing then proceeded the long and painful task of watching this movie. Yeah I know I’m essentially giving away the whole review right now but fuck it this movie sucks. Let’s talk about it.
The film begins in some south American desert, where some fat guy, who we will only call fat guy, is traversing through the jungle. This is intercut with scenes of us learning about our main characters lives, boy likes elvis, girl likes girl things, dad is a freelance archaeologist. They live on the farm in the middle of Ohio, meaning now the boys name is Tosh. Tosh really likes elvis for some reason. Don’t question it,I don’t wanna be remembering this movie for any longer than I have to.
Fat guy returns from the jungle with a cooler full of dinosaur eggs. At the same time, Tosh’s dad finds some fossils and puts them in a cooler that looks exactly like fat guys cooler. They all go to Fat Guys pawn shop, put down their coolers and talk for a bit. After feeling ripped off, the family decides to leave, and they get their dog to get the cooler, but he accidentally takes the wrong cooler!
They ride back home, and the dog takes the cooler into the basement. The family tries their weakest to find the cooler, doesn’t find shit, then just start chilling. Suddenly fat guy is at the door asking for the cooler, but the dad says they don’t have it, then fat guy leaves. He starts interrogating the pawn shop janitor, Whitey, and some lady the dad is into who also works there. Back at the house, the eggs hatch and Tosh and his sister find out, with the dad finding out soon after.
Fat guy starts getting very physical while interrogating the woman, and eventually she grabs a rock and knocks him out. She runs out and goes to the dads house, and now she’s roped into all this. The next, like, 20 minutes of this movie is just shenanigans involving the dinosaurs. What they should be named, feeding issues, bla bla bla all that nonsense. So let’s skip ahead now.
There aren’t characters in this movie, there’s character traits. Tosh likes Elvis! This is his whole personality. Tosh’s sister is a girl! This is her whole personality. The dinosaurs suck. They have no personality, but hey at least it makes sense there, they’re just animals. The acting is also pretty bad, which hey this is predictable. Look guys this is a short one, I don’t have anything to say. Let’s just finish this.
Having finally snapped, fat guy comes in with a gun and starts interrogating the dad. He gets the T-Rex to bite him, but that just proves to fat guy that they have his eggs. He goes out to get some goons, then comes back with them, taking all the dinosaurs, except for a Pterodactyl because he flys away. The goons take the pets, as well as the lady because she knows how to take care of the dinosaurs. The dog also comes too because why not.
The family decides they have to save the dinosaurs, and they go to the museum where they meet whitey, who is for some reason also working there and the pawn shop. He lets the family in while Fat guy is giving some speech about how he made some great discovery, and pulls back a tarp to show off the dinosaur cage, but the family pulled the ole’ switcheroo and replace the dinosaurs with the dog. The family got the dinosaurs, Dad and woman get together, and the family drives off. The end.
URRG this one was PAINFUL guys. Not only was this movie bad, but it was tap water levels of bland! There is just nothing to work with here, that’s why this review is so short, I felt like I was back on Funnyjunk again. I recommend you avoid this movie, unless like, you have a kid who likes dinosaurs and you want him to not like dinosaurs anymore. Fuck this movie, see you next week.