Well, it was only a matter of time before we got to this guy. Ladies and gentlemen in case you were unaware this film was made by the worst guy from Germany. Yes even worse than Hitler, because at least Hitler didn’t commit a legal version of tax fraud. Give a warm welcome to Uwe Boll, known as one of the worst filmmakers of all time. This one’s for you Hanekiwi!
This film is all over the place, so let’s try to not make this as long as last weeks review. The film opens with a rather long skit about muslims on 9/11. This has nothing to do with anything so, moving on. The film actually opens with our main Dude. No really, on IMDB his name is just Dude. So Dude goes from his trailer park home to an interview for a job at some random company. We also are introduced with his literally obese wife who cheats on him constantly. She doesn’t come into play at any point in the movie so we can just move right on past her. In Fact, we can move right on past a lot of this film because a lot of it is kinda filler.
We get introduced to some characters that won’t be doing much in this film, a black cop and some foreign cop, a not so big titty goth gf, and the main villains of this film, al qaeda. Basically their plan is to intercept a shipment of dolls, and their ultimate plan will continue later. Anyways after a lot of nothing, Dude is finally fed up with his life in the town he’s in, so he requests his uncle Dave, who runs a cult with the soul desire of having sex with hot girls. Alrighty then, moving on, we get Daves big plan, which is to ALSO steal the dolls, but this time sell them on the black market for money. They’re going to do this by stealing them from a disneyland but themed on Germany. Oh boy here comes the nazi jokes!
So, the plan goes into effect, and in the meantime Uwe Boll makes an unexpected appearance. After a bunch more shocking so they’re funny jokes, which by the way aren’t funny, a huge fight breaks out between the cultist, al qaeda, and those two police officers from earlier. A lot of people die, and our “heros” get back to cult headquarters with a truck full of dolls. But the headquarters were taken over by the terrorists! Oh no.
They sneak past some terrorists, go into a secret bunker, and Dave’s right hand man explains that he wants to end the world by spreading bird flu with the dolls, and the terrorists wanna do the same thing. A lot more unfunny shit happens, Dave dies, Dude gets captured but immediately breaks out, and it seems like we’re getting to climax station but we got some other stops on this crazy train so LET’S GET GOING!
There are, so many characters in this movie, none of which are developed. I asked our resident postal expert on the review crew, Sexy lamp post aka shithole reporter, and according to him the characters seem to act how the characters in the game would act. Problem is I have never played postal so I can’t back this up. What I can say is for a movie, these characters are fucking embarrassing.
None of them are really characters, more, personalities. One for each character. Dude is tired of being pushed around, most everyone else is just an asshole, which I suppose i meant to mean something, and goth is just kind of rude sometimes, then shoots some people at the end. That’s really about it for characters. Acting is pretty meh, not horrible but also not their A game, more like, the actors brought their C- game.
I don’t tend to like critiquing comedy, it’s very subjective and to be honest probably the most controversial thing I’ve ever said was me saying I didn’t think too highly of the type of comedy from a certain show that’s a cartoon parody of reality tv that isn’t based off survivor. That being said I can at least say for the most part, this comedy suuucks. It’s mostly the commonly failed equation of shock = laughter, and every joke that isn’t like that is either funny on paper but not when acted out, or it’s driven into the ground before even having a chance to make you laugh. That being said though there are two times I did laugh.
The first time I laughed was the type of joke that followed one of those, funnier on paper jokes. Basically Uwe Boll comes out of nowhere as the guy who’s opening the german theme park, and starts talking about how his movies are shit and all, when suddenly the maker of the game postal comes out of nowhere, yells “YOU RUINED MY GAME!” and starts beating the shit out of Uwe Boll. That last part is where I laughed, it’s actually kinda clever.
The other time I laughed was because one of the jokes, where Dude calls a midget a penguin, was so bad it looped around to being funny again. That being said, the humor didn’t work for me, but now that I think about it I think that people who actually did find drawn together funny might laugh more at this film than I did. Ooo that might cause some angry responses, I’m sorry please don’t hate me.
Once Dude breaks out, he convinces some of the girl cultists to join his side, and they go up and kill those terrorists. They get in a car, and drive off to wherever the truck is. After a sex joke, Dude gets chased down by neighborhood watch since, you know, he’s a wanted murderer by this point. Backed into a wall, he fills those guys with lead, then bumps into good ol Goth. After a bit more of nothing, they find the truck and drive off to rig Dudes old trailers with explosives to kill his wife who is currently cheating on him as they do it. Suddenly they’re confronted by EVERYONE!
A massive battle takes place, with gunfire, bad jokes, and other stuff. Finally Dude and goth hop in a police car, with a dog in it, and they drive off, killing the right hand man on the way. It’s revealed on the news that, George Bush is blaming china and india for all the stuff that’s happened, and that they’re launching “20-30 nukes” to America. Well fuck! Anyways, Dude blows up his wife, as well as the two cops, and him, goth, and dog ride off. The end!
Look, I’m very thankful to you Hanekiwi for helping us here at the review crew by requesting this and giving us more stuff to review, but, man fuck you for making us watch this movie. No but in all seriousness, this movie is really bad. Though, strangely enough, of all the films by Uwe Boll, this is probably the least shitty. That doesn’t mean it’s good though. It’s boring, unfunny, the soundtrack sounds like shit which is something I didn’t even mention by the way. It’s honestly like Mr.Boll just went to a stock music site and said “Hey if I just download these I’ll get even more money from my legal german tax fraud!” All in all, bad movie, don’t watch it.