Passport to paris review.
So, you may be wondering, why this film of all films? Well I’ll tell you, you see recently I found out that a member on the review crew, pirateseatcarrots, aka man thing aka shithole reporter, has an intense hate for the olsen twins. At about the same time I managed to stumble upon an old vhs copy of passport to paris my sister used to have, and since I’m a dick I made my 2 best friends, as well as the newest member of the review crew, sit down and watch this movie. And oh boy, if this is what the Olsen twin movies are like, this might not be the last time you see them, and you’re about to learn why.
The film opens on, what we believe is a california middle school. Our stars, Mary Kate and Ashley, monologue about these two guys who they want to date. These two guys are dropped almost immediately when their parents spring on them surprise passports, yes somehow they got surprise passports, and tickets to go meet their grandfather in france, who is the American ambassador to France what the fuck!?
Yes he is an ambassador. Also side note, when they travel to france, they show this shitty transition of a plane flying from america to france, but there’s also big ben there. So, and I swear this is true, the plane flies around big ben, right over france, and lands somewhere in the middle of africa! When i noticed that i fucking died laughing. But anyways, once they get there, they meet his assistant, a man who looks remarkably like the Zucc himself, and go to the louvre. The louvre scene is so horrible that you guys just have to see it, so I put a link at the end. Enjoy the insanity.
So, after that scene happens, they almost get run over by two boys, and the Zucc fails at keeping them safe as he trips, falls, and stays on the ground for a good minute while the twins talk to these two boys who are like, 16 years old at the youngest. So after that a bunch of useless stuff happens, they meet a model, more useless stuff, and finally they SOMEHOW find these boys in the entirety of paris! The boys then kidnap the twins, take them on a tour of paris, and take them home just a bit after their curfew.
After bribing the Zucc with the possibility of dating their new model friend, he allows the boys to take them out on a date. This date just so happens to be on the TOP OF THE FUCKING EIFFEL TOWER. Normally I’d be okay with this, but they make two things clear, one is that the boys have come there multiple times before, and two, there is a MASSIVE SIGN saying that the place if off limits! So they get caught, taken to jail, and the twins are brought back to the embassy. Their grandpa finally finds out what’s happening, and forbids them from ever seeing those boys again! Oh no! You mean the strangers that they met 4 days ago? Heaven forbid!
Uuuuuuuurg. These characters suck for the worst reason. It’s not that they don’t have personalities, it’s that most of their personalities suck! Let’s start with our stars, the olsen twins, how could I describe them… if you could imagine what 13 year old sluts would look and act like, it’d be them. They’re brainless, materialistic, annoying little brats who don’t do anything the entire movie except complain, and pass on their horrible morals, such as “French food is terrible compared to mcdonalds” and “if at first you don’t get what you want, whine and scream until you get it!”
The other characters aren’t much better, the teenagers are just creepy, mainly because of the age difference, and everyone else is just a very over the top “Oh you can’t have any FUN kids you have to follow the rules bla bla bla bla” bullshit! God! You know, credit at least, I’d rather have characters that piss me off then have characters that are just incredibly boring. So props, I guess.
So, upset that they can’t go with their boyfriends who are 3 years older than them, the twins begin packing to go home. They hear their boyfriends calling to them outside the balcony, and so does grandpa. In the end, he decides to take pity on the girls, and gives them nice dresses to wear to some kind of, diplomatic dinner. The guests include 2 people from france, 3 from nigeria, and one from britain. Poor germany, always left out of european political talks.
Anyways, the twins replace this one guys water with sewer water, and go into a huge speech about how they should keep their water clean. In the end it works, and grandpa is so impressed with them that he lets them go out one last time with the boys. They kiss, ew, Zucc and the supermodel kiss, ew, and the girls go home. They turn down those two boys at the beginning, and the end!
Oh god this film is really bad. Not only is it kind of gross with the possible pedophilia going on, the age of consent in france is 15, but also it’s just unpleasant to watch. The characters are stupid or annoying, the plot just drags on and on, there is so much filler in this movie I fucking swear, and if the french africa has anything to say about it, they just didn’t care while making it. “oh just fly the Olsen twins to france and film them for a week, it’ll make money.” And it did, since now the Olsen twins are fucking millionaires. So, I guess that’s fine, but fuck man if this is what it takes to be a millionaire, I’d still probably do it actually. Tune in next week when I torture my friends more with, Hannah montana the movie!