Ouija House Review.
Well christmas is over, and because of that it’s time to go back to doing what we do best, talking about obscure ass movies I find after typing random words into imdb! Ouija House is a 2018 horror movie that is very clearly trying to steal some of the spotlight from the inexplicably popular Ouija film franchise. Luckily for the people who made this movie and pretty much no one else, the Ouija board is in the public domain, so anyone can make a Ouija film! And now I have to watch it. So let’s get into this!
The film starts some time in the 80s, Tara Reid and some other random people go into a house, do a ouija seance, the random people die and Tara Reid jumps out of a window and just kinda, leaves. Anyways back at the present, our main character, who we’ll just call white girl, is talking to her mom. Apparently she’s about to lose her house but white girl is making a book and when it gets published she’ll use the funds to buy back the house.
We then get introduced to white girls boyfriend, white guy. They establish that they’re going to a house once owned by white girls aunt, despite the mom trying to make it clear that they shouldn’t go there. We cut to them in a car with two other people, black guy and latina, who are a couple! They get to the house and we meet white girl 2, white girls cousin. After looking around the house a bit, seeing a creepy doll and some generic talk, they find a Ouija board.
Suddenly a random dude shows up. He starts freaking out about how they shouldn’t be there, but when he sees white girl he changes his tune and leaves. Then suddenly the Ouija board appears on a table, and they’re just like “yeah let’s talk to some ghosts!” Does anyone even play with these things anymore? Much less 20 something year old millennials? Whatever, so they fuck around a bit and meanwhile back at the random guy, he calls up White girls mom and tells her white girl is in the house. He then dies when some warlock guy took control of the car and made him crash.
Back at the house, after the Ouija game, strange things start to happen. Most notably is that white girls cousin goes missing! But they don’t give a shit and instead play another Ouija game, this time on latina’s body. For some reason white girl grabs a rock to use as a planchet, which then goes straight into her mouth and she starts to choke on it. No there were no letters past her neck, so why they didn’t stop this from happening is still unknown.
Reasonably they decide to not do the heimlich maneuver, and instead just kinda hold her while white guy runs off, for some reason. While all this is going down, white girls mom tried to call them but she only gets some guy screaming her name and then a seizure. Back at the house, Latina, I think swallows the stone? Anyways she’s fine now, but they decide to drive the fuck out of there.
However, for some reason no matter which way they drive, they always end up back at the house. White girl then starts screaming some shit about how they “Opened a portal and didn’t close it” and how they “need to destroy the board.” Like, ok? Is this just a Ouija thing? Whatever, so they run back inside, burn the board, wipe away the letters on latina’s body and then burn the doll from earlier. Suddenly in bursts the random guy from earlier! He then begins to explain everything.
So, for starters turns out Tara Reid from the beginning was white girls mom, and that this guy was pretending to be white girls publisher. Now despite being in cahoots with the mom, he still let them all go there. Why would he do this? Why didn’t white girl react when she saw him earlier? I dunno! Anyways, so he then kills himself with a gun that has no muzzle shot and makes no blood splatter.
After seeing this they run outside only to see their tires popped, so basically everyone thinks they’re screwed. They go back inside and after a bit of exposition explaining that there was an evil warlock who died on this land, white guy hears a thumping coming from upstairs. Going to investigate, they see that latina has been lightly tapping her head against the wall so much that her forehead is now bleeding!
For some reason, white girl started peeling back the wall paper where latina was tapping her head against the wall, and it’s revealed there’s a letter behind the wall! Latina then goes fuckin nuts and starts running around, ripping up wallpaper revealing letters and numbers behind the wall! And to quote white girl, “This house is a giant Ouija Board!” So, I guess the title is pretty literal huh? Anyways let’s take a break here for a second shall we?
Man these guys are weak. I know pretty much nothing about these guys! Personality wise, at least. To make things even more confusing, sometimes people swap character traits sometimes! Like, in the beginning white guy is nervous about latina while white girl is like “nah it’s all gonna be fine!” but for the rest of the movie, it’s the other way around! So yeah, these characters are bad.
Alright look, this film is just so flawed in so many small ways we’re just gonna have to talk about it here. First off, this shot. This shot happens multiple times in the movie and it’s a good example as to how bad the cinematography in this film is! So, the most basic thing about cinematography that pretty much anyone knows is, put the focus of your shot in the center of the frame! So with this shot, would you think that something is gonna happen with the cabinets, like, it whips open and starts throwing plates around and shit, but nope, it just sits there.
Another really weird problem is that they suck at editing. The lack of muzzle flashes and blood splatters from gun shots is bad, they just have weird editing mistakes, like them cutting to an actor a few seconds before their cue, so they just stand there for a few seconds. This actually happens in this film! Like come on guys that’s like, middle school home movie level shit! Look let’s just finish this.
So after realizing latina is possessed, and that the Warlock, who I guess is named Roka, is controlling her, they decide to play a game where the warlock makes latina go to certain letters and they have to guess what the word is. After a few failed attempts resulting in the deaths of white girl 2 and white guy, white girl and black guy try one more time to finish things, and for some reason they run around the house covering the letters R, O, K, and A. This is how I learned the warlocks name is Roka by the way.
So after this, some more bullshit happens, all you need to know is that white girl uses a knife to rip the stone out of latina, and white girl and black guy survive. After a bit of messing around, it’s revealed somehow that Roka also possessed her mom, jumpscare, the end.
Man that was baaaaaaad. Really, it was a slog to get through this movie. It was boring, uneventful, and confusing sometimes, seemingly just randomly pulling rules out of it’s ass. I mean, for gods sake guys it’s a ripoff of an already terrible series of films, what did you expect? Anyways, don’t watch this film, and I’ll see you guys next week, and next year!