Nessie and me review!
Happy fathers day everybody! I know this might not seem like a good movie to do on father’s day, but holy shit folks this film certainly is something else. It was made by the company Vision films, a company that focuses on independent films, and if this movie is anything like the rest of their works, well, jesus christ they’re awful. But let’s stop beating around the bush, and get to this movies plot!
Oh boy here we go. We begin with how anyone would start a film called nessie and me, filming a drunk man in the woods in a captains hat waving around a machete and, probably, improving his lines. Nessie shows up, and the captain man tells him to get out of his lake. Jump cut to a man hurriedly running to his job at a VHS store. Wait, VHS store? DVD stores aren’t even a thing now how the hell is there a VHS store? Well it turns out they’ve fell on hard times, with barely anyone buying flicks. While his co-worker, who we’ll call Eric, trust me it’ll make sense later, is watching a much better film, gamera vs guiron, a strange headed midgette comes into the store, demanding money! Apparently he’s with the mafia.
After being threatened for money from both the midget mafia, and the bank, we jump cut to a bunch of kids just kinda, walking around in the woods. They’re all on their phones, except for one kid who doesn’t have one. After trying and failing to get them to get off their phones and talk, he decides to go a different way home, but his group warns him that there could be a monster lurking in that area, but he ignores them, and goes forward anyways.
After, presumably, some walking, he makes his way to what looks like a small abandoned street, full of shacks that seem to have been burned down. Suddenly out comes the strange sailor man. They talk for a bit, where we learn the kids name is James and the captains name is Captain Jack. Jack, with barely any prompting, calls out for nessie, and she appears! The kid wants to tell everyone he can, but Jack tells him not too. The kid agrees not to tell anyone, but is a fucking LIAR and tells his whole family and group of friends. He takes his dad camera, and plans to use it to get proof, since obviously none of them believe him. He gets caught though, and as punishment is, given an Iphone. No they actually say Iphone, it’s weird.
Meanwhile, at the VHS store, the main guy, who we’ll call Dave since i don’t think they ever gave him a name, and Eric get a letter saying that Dave inherited a whole buncha stuff from his now dead grandpa. That being a cabin, a plot of land, and a pretty cool party boat. After checking it out, we find out that there’s a girl who owns a shop on his new plot of land. While Dave and the girl go away, suddenly a girl appears on the boat, she says her name is Ariel and asks Eric if he can take her somewhere. Eric puts her in his car, and then a portal opens as he’s driving. Wait what?
Meanwhile AGAIN there’s a discount Leslie Nielsen playing golf, and his probably literally a prostitute girlfriend tells him that the land is soon going to be his, since he apparently wants that land to make a great big casino! We cut away to our kid friends, who perform a felony by breaking and entering Jack’s old shack, and find out his history. He used to be mayor before he started talking about nessie, he got fired basically and his son left him and moved to Minnesota, where they barely talk. MEANWHILE AGAIN since we don’t have enough sub plots, Dave and Eric find out there might be some pirate gold buried somewhere. They go try and dig it up, find nothing a chase scene happens, and we move on. Christ this is getting long, let’s just move on for a bit.
Oh boy these are the most cookie cutter characters you can think of, but that doesn’t mean they’re boring for once! In fact quite the opposite, for one small reason, the acting. The acting in this film is absolutely horrendous, and it’s some of the funniest I’ve seen in awhile. The kids obviously can’t act for shit, but the adults give either the most over the top, or under the bottom acting performances, and it’s glorious!
As for the characters themselves, well do I really have to say anything? You know who these characters are, Jacks the one everyone thinks is crazy but is right in the end, Jason is the average kid that no one understands, Ariel is the mermaid, oh wait did I give that away too early? Uh, quickly get distracted by how bad these effects are!
OH MY GOD THIS IS TERRIBLE! This has gotta be one of the ugliest looking CGI monsters I’ve seen, that isn’t going out of it’s way to look ugly of course. It just looks, slimy, someone clearly didn’t do their job right with the monster effects, hell just take off that glossiness, it doesn’t fix it but at least it makes it look less gross.
The monster isn’t the only one to have bad effects, because there are at least 2 more cgi effects. First is a scene where someone drives a golf cart into a fountain, and it just, completely sinks, like immediately. And the other is a scene where a boat explodes, where it looks like they got it off of a stock effects website and just dropped it in there because they wanted to. Alright, it’s time to finish this beast!
Okay so, after coming back from his trip with Ariel to one of those slavic nations, no really that happens, Eric meets up with Dan, who in order to keep everything, he sells his car, pays off his debts, and is on his way to the bank to pay off some of the land mortgage. Leslie notices this, and him and his prostitute concoct a plan to steal the money, which they do, and in order to get away they also steal a car! I don’t know why but, they do. A chase scene happens, and it ends with them making it to the docks. At the same time, Jason and his friends are meeting with Jack, and as a surprise, Jason used his new Iphone to get his son here for him. Jack hugs his son, and they agree they have a lot of catching up to do. I told you guys this would be a great fathers day movie!
However, all is not well, as the bad guy is using his boat to get away! Dave, angrily, throws his phone at the bad guy. He hits his boat, which chips away a bit of paint, revealing the dumbest plot twist of all, ahem, THE FUCKING BOAT WAS MADE OF THE GOLD FROM THE PIRATES TREASURE. WHAT THE FUCK!? HOW!? DOES GOLD FLOAT!? FUCK IT WHATEVER! Ariel jumps into the water, grows a tail, calls for nessie and nessie kills the bad guys by throwing their boat 100 feet in the air. Yeah it lands in the water, but they’re definitely dead. Everyone cheers, all the kids take pictures, and the end!
Okay there is, one last thing I have to talk about before we wrap this up. Believe it or not there was this whole other plot about a bunch of scientists trying to get evidence of Nessie. Their boat is the one that blows up. They’re fine though, and at the end they both agree to give up and go do something else, since they couldn’t find anything. However, at the end, without them noticing, nessie, or maybe it was nessies baby because it’s so much smaller now, jumps out of the water and into their car. They shut the door without noticing, start driving off, and from outside we hear them scream, cut to black credits.
Holy shit this is the longest review I’ve ever done. And there are still shit I left out! This film is absolutely crazy, ridiculous, stupid, and amazing! I’m serious guys, this film was one hell of a film to watch with my mates! Throughout the entire movie we were just bashing this film, and it sure was fun! If that’s the kind of film you like, well then this film is good for you. I hope you guys have a great time, see ya next week!