Oh poor poor Shaq, you tried so hard to expand your media influence, and they all fail horribly. You tried to start a rap career, and I doubt a lot of you guys even know he made an album, you tried to have a video game, but we got Shaq-Fu instead. And now here you are trying to be an actor. Can Shaq pull it off? No. No he can not.
In the middle of a city, some random building has been foreclosed upon and is being knocked down. It knocks a genie lamp over, but luckily for the genie in said lamp the construction workers go out and get some cheese steaks or some shit because the building is just fine later on. We cut to our main boy, being held down by some bullies who do the worst things that you could do to a kid, spray paint the ground around his head! GASP!
In order to escape the danger of spray paint, our boy tells his bullies where they can steal some stuff, which just so happens to be the place where Shaq is. The bullies find out there’s nothing in the building, and just before they get the drop on our main character, he accidently summons Shaq genie who starts, rapping. Alright then. So after a bit of rapping our main character falls through like 5 floors before immediately getting up and running away. Seems plausible.
After a bit of exposition, main character has divorced parents, hates new dad, wants to find new dad, and if Shaq were free he’d become something called a “Gin”, Shaq finally shows off his magical powers to our main guy by making a bike fly! He then immediately makes it rain food, which is our characters first wish. He then stumbles upon his dads club, just, kinda randomly. His dad seems actually kind of excited to meet his son for the first time since he was a baby, and gives him all sorts of treats and introduces him to his friends at the club he runs. Shaq raps again, and the bullies corner our main guy again. Oh no, I hope they don’t draw on a piece of paper close to his face.
He tells the bullies that he knows where they can get a whole bunch of counterfeit cassettes, and I don’t think that’s how cassettes work but maybe I’m the idiot here. They believe him and low and behold they are in fact in the club. After a big heist we find out that that was probably a terrible choice because his dads in deep with some bad people and those were his ticket to freedom. So his second wish is for Shaq to put the tapes back.
The next day his mom yells at him for being gone for TWO FUCKING DAYS, and his punishment is having to do chores. Wow, mother of the fucking year. Fed up with all this bullshit, he decides that he’s gonna run away with his dad. At the same time, Shaq is going to rap at that same club. He also gets a girlfriend and it’s established whenever our boy calls out to shaq he hears it. Also a magic boom box is just kind of, added to the plot. Randomly. But we’ll get to that later.
These characters are all either terrible people or terrible at being people. For example, the boy is working with some kind of pre-teen gang, is rude to his mother, disappears for literally days at a time and does not give a single fuck about his worrying mother. Meanwhile the mother barely gives him any sort of punishment, like at all!
Shaq is probably the strangest because he seems to be straight up bipolar. When the film starts he seems genuinely angry at the boys who freed him, which, alright, but then the next scene he’s all giggles and laughs and shit. Also in this one scene he shows a really wacky side where he’s basically ripping off the genie from Aladdin. Raps:
Alright mates I’m gonna admit it, I aint no rap critic, but even I can tell these rhymes are shit. There’s no flow, they seem to just be almost speaking the words, occasionally in beat. The lyrics themselves are also pretty lame, I mean, “We were buried to our necks In sand like the sea By a sultan with a sword And a lock and a key, I looks to Hbur And he says to me And when the Magic is over We ain’t men, we Genie!” Just read that in the most monotone voice you can with as little changes in your pitch as possible, and that’s basically what Shaq sounds like whenever he raps.
So while back in his dads club, boy and dad suddenly get cornered by the leader of the guys Dad is in deep too, holding some weird magic boombox. Sensing trouble, Boy calls out for Shaq, but inconveniently for everyone, including those listening, shaq is rapping, so he can’t come to his aid. When he finally does come to his aid, both boy and dad are LITERALLY DEAD. Wow that’s a turn I didn’t expect from this film!
Shaq then proceeds to basically kill every member of the group, and somehow wishes for boy and dad to come back to life, which works I guess. He starts to glow yellow, and becomes, that. I guess that’s supposed to be what a Gin looks like. They say their goodbyes, boy and dad go their separate ways, and boy decides to love his mom and new father. He looks off into the crowd and see’s Shaq walking off with his girlfriend, the end.
Oh boy is this film a bad one. But in all honesty sometimes it is funny how bad it is. Shaq awkwardly rapping with some kid in front of a green screen, the either over or under the top acting, that fucking ending, it was definitely an enjoyable experience, but I assume I only had fun with it because I was with friends. I suggest watching it like that, with friends, alone though It’d probably be a fucking drag. And with that Shaqs dreams of expanding his career died, and he will forever be known as that guy who was in a lot of shitty products.