Well well well, I was certainly hoping we’d never be back here, and yet we are. First, a bit of background. Imaginecorp, the co-founder of S&I reviews, proposed one day that for our one year anniversary we re-review the first movie we ever reviewed, #Horror. I was excited to do so, since, well honestly that first review was kinda shit. Seeing how we’ve seen a lot more films, honed our craft, and all around just improved, I can’t think of a better time to give this film the trashing it deserves! Happy anniversary everyone, let’s start another year of this off right.
The film starts off with a shot of a red car, in which two people are fucking. After their love making, it’s revealed that the man is actually married, and then the both of them are promptly killed. It was at this point that it finally set in that I have chosen to relive the worst cinematic experience of my life. Anyways, we cut to one of our 12 year old main characters starring in a mirror, saying that it’s not real, then we just cut away. Well great, what was the point of that.
We cut to that same girl, who I think is named Sylvia, they don’t really make it clear and IMDB certainly wasn’t any help, but I digress. So Sylvia is talking to her mom about how she’s gonna currently going to a sleepover with a bunch of rich girls. When she gets there, she see’s a weird pulsating painting, then goes downstairs, hears the girls being bitches to her, then just kinda, walks in.
We then get a scene where this one other girl named Cat, but we’re gonna call her Brat because that’s what she is. She’s talking to her dad and they just say the same fucking thing over and over before finally arriving at the sleepover, but not before she’s a little brat. We then get a random scene where the mom of the rich girl, whos also the wife of the now dead guy, can’t find her phone. Then she finds it, that’s the scene. I wanted to bring this up to show you guys just how much padding there is in this movie, the scene lasts like three fucking minutes!
Back with Brat and her dad, Brat gets out of her car and dad drives off, but as dad is driving off, we see someone watching her. Back at the house, the mom is talking to a friend of hers about, some weird shit about the four winds converging and, opening a vortex, and about how a guy went crazy at the house and killed a whole bunch of people, and that he supposedly killed himself but they can’t find the body. Does this have anything to do with anything? Spoilers, no.
We then get the worst fucking part of this movie, it’s basically a huge montage of our girls acting like spoiled little bitches, making random lesbian and shit jokes, we hear one of them pooping for, some reason, and it just goes on for way too fucking long. The only thing that’s established is that the mom is going to go away for an hour and a half, which shouldn’t be too bad since it’s broad fucking daylight.
We then get some random drama when Cat goes too far in bullying a fat girl, and she gets kicked out. Their phones blow up with more texts about how the fat girl is a fat bitch, which she is, but they decide to lock up their phones in a safe then throw the key into a pool. More montages of nothing and occasionally seeing the stranger watching our girls. We get a scene where Sylvia says she’s had sex at the age of fucking 12 which is, horrifying honestly. Then the dad of Cat comes bursting in and suddenly makes this movie fucking enjoyable. We’ll go more into his performance later though, but holy shit. He waves a knife in front of the girls, then storms out to find his daughter.
Sylvia runs out to find Cat, even though it’s had to have been an hour since they left given all the shit they did, but she finds the car with the murdered people in it. She runs back to the house and explains what she saw, but the girls think she’s a fucking liar and then directly after suffering major consequences for kicking someone out they then immediately kick Sylvia out, but she just kinda, stays. Jesus christ I need to fucking take a break, so let’s see what else is up.
Fuck these girls. No fuckhead that’s not a command! These girls are the most unlikeable characters I have ever met. And yet they’re constantly trying to make them seem all sympathetic like “oo isn’t it sad that they are getting made fun of,” No it’s not sad they’re all terrible people! The acting is, tolerable, from our main leads, but now it’s time to talk about the dad. The dads acting is fucking terrible, but god damn it he’s putting it all in. So, he’s a small glowing light of entertainment in the dark black void of pain and suffering that is this movie.
Alright let’s wrap this shit up. So after the fastest sunset in the world, Rich girl found the car with her dead dad in it, and finds a gun of his to use. She ran back to the house, just as the few remaining girls realize someone’s missing. Sex girl runs downstairs to find her dead and is attacked, but manages to slip away.
After a lot of death, Sex girl manages to get into the safe where the phones are, but they’re all dead. Holy shit I could leave my phone on for an hour and a half and it’d still have battery in it, your phones were off for that amount of time and they’re already dead! Anyways so Cats dad comes in, starts talking about how Cats all fucked up because she’s the killer, and about how he was the one following her! Wait a sec, how the fuck was he watching her while he was driving!? Whatever, fuck it, so Rich girl thinks he’s the killer and shoots him.
Sex girl tells rich girl whats going down, steals the gun, and runs outside after Cat to finish this. Cat also has a gun, which yes has been established before, but they said there’s no ammo in it so, eh fuck it let’s just assume she found some, somewhere. Anyways Cat and Sex girl find themselves in the road, the mom drives up, and bada bing bada bang Cat shoots herself. We cut to a bunch of random shit that makes no sense, the end.
Wow, this was, barely, not as bad as I remember it. Look, I’m gonna lay it all out, watching #Horror that night one year ago was, hell still is, the worst cinematic experience of my life. Rewatching it was almost as bad, but at least the dad made me laugh a bit. But that is far from a saving grace in this movie. The plot has no right lasting an hour and a half, it honestly feels like it could barely fit a half hour movie, and it’s constantly trying to be all artsy and shit but, it just comes across as pretentious, and the characters are incredibly annoying! Do not seek this movie out, do not try and find it, just let it die.
That being said, I guess I technically have to thank this movie. Without it I would have never started this show, or met all the friends that doing it have brought me. So, here’s to another year of S&I reviews, I hope you folks will be happy to ride this ride with me! Though, that being said, for such a big occasion, I feel like things are a bit, lacking, hmm, maybe there’s something else I could do.