Hard Ticket to Hawaii Review!
Oh boy, getting this review out was kind of a pain. My laptop broke, it can’t even be fixed I need to get a new one now, and if you didn’t know follow my Twitter (Twitter.com/sirstrongman) for updates on reviews and sometimes jokes. Anyways then twice this week my power went out, the ideas for this week’s review changed basically daily, it was just a mess and horribly unorganized, and I can really only blame myself for this. So, after all that mess we managed to get out what you’re reading right now. Let’s get into this already so I can relax knowing that I’ll get this review out in time for all 18 of you wonderful folk.
The film begins with our main characters, blonde one and white dude, fucking on a boat. Cut to a few months later, where blonde one meets up with blonde two, whos in witness protection, and they go to their job as couriers, and they have two people, and a snake. They fly the couple to an area of the island where they can camp for a honeymoon.
On their way back however they see an rc helicopter land with two silver boxes, they take both of them but are suddenly shot at! They drop one of the boxes and run to their plane, and fly off. They land and bring the snake into their house, for some reason, and open the box, and there are diamonds inside! They suddenly get attacked by this drug lord Seth and his goons. In the battle the goons get the diamonds, the snake escapes, and Seth gets shot in the jaw.
Now knowing that shits going down, they get in contact with the main hangar of their cargo company who days the snake is, “infected by toxins by cancer infected rats.” Now I don’t know how that would make the snake more dangerous since it now has cancer, but, ok I guess. Can snakes get cancer? Are they like sharks who can’t get can- I’m getting off track, point is there’s a dangerous snake now loose on this island.
Realizing they need help, the movie reveals that these girls, along with white guy from the start, some other guy who trains with white guy, and the owner of this restaurant, Edy, are all secret government operatives who are trying to take down seth’s drug operation. The Blondes run off to Edy’s so they can contact the guys for backup, but we see that the wire has been tapped, and now Seth knows their plan! And he’s gonna be ready for them.
There’s not much complexity to these guys, but there’s enough there to call them, I guess one note. Blonde 1 is stern and serious, blonde 2 is slutty and loves James Bond movies, and both guys are jokesters, they’re all one-note. The acting itself ranges from mediocre to gloriously over the top, which, in a bad movie, is the best place to be.
Alright this whole part of the review exists to talk about one thing, the snake. The snake looks like a fucking sock puppet, or like a muppet of some kind. It’s so bad but also so god damn great. There’s other effects worth mentioning though, audio effects! There’s a lot of ADR in this movie and it’s always incredibly noticeable that no one was saying anything, I swear there are multiple times where the ADR doesn’t match the voice of anyone in the scene, it’s that bad.
So, now that everyone knows whats going down, Seth sends some goons after the two guys on their way to meet up with the girls, who have a very strange idea to kill them. So the plan is, ride upside down on a skateboard down a road until you spot them, then hop in a truck, drive ahead of them, grab a blow up doll and use it to conceal a rifle, then skate back down the road again, and this time shoot them. This plan works a little, as he hits white guys friend, who we’ll call karate guy, in the shoulder, and damages their car. But then he dies in the most incredible way possible.
White guy throws the jeep in reverse, hits the goon, knocks him into the air, then karate guy grabs a fucking bazooka straight out of Commando, then blows up both the guy, and the blow up doll for some reason! Anyways, the guys go to the hospital, and white guy calls Edy and tells her to pick them up their, but as we know, then phones are tapped, and Edy gets kidnapped and supposedly tortured by some sexy buff lady who was very greasy for some reason.
After a bit of dicking around, our heroes meet up! White guy and blonde one fuck, and then suit up to take down Seth and save Edy! They take out a guard with a frisbee covered in razor blades, Blonde 2 gets into a shootout with some random guy, karate guy beats the shit out of some other guy, white guy blows up some other guy, karate guy frees Edy and they make out, then Blonde 1 blows up a helicopter! Then in a scene not shown, they drop Blonde 1 off at home and leave to bring Edy back to her home, when they realize that Seth is still alive!
White guy grabs the bazooka and motorcycle and rushes off, just as Blonde 1 starts the final confrontation with Seth, and it’s kind of a let down, she just shoots him once then stabs him once and then he falls over dead, when suddenly the snake bursts up out of the toilet! Blonde 1 runs as Seth gets up, and then he gets bitten by the snake and dies instantly. Then white guy fucking crashes through the wall and blows the fucking snake up! The one liner though takes too long and is quite a let down.
Finally, the crew tracks down the head of this whole drug operation, the one who controlled that helicopter of diamonds from the begining, and fucking blast him out the window! All our end up happy, and together, the end!
Boy howdy was this a ride of a watch. The films a bit wonky in terms of actual quality, it ranges from charming to a bit boring, but in the end it’s still a fun ride. If you got some drunk friends and you all wanna watch something stupid but fun, then I’d say that this would be a good watch, especially because it’s free on YouTube! Just beware as there are a lot of tit shots in this movie.