Graduation Day Review!
Oh boy am I excited to talk about this one! For the unaware, I’ve called actress Linda Shayne the cinematic kiss of death, since basically everything she acts in suddenly becomes a steaming hot mess, so we’ve made it our mission to watch and review every single one of her feature films! This time we’re doing the 1981 film Graduation day! But you know that, you can read the title, so let’s just hop right on in and do this shit!
So the film starts out with a bang, literally, this starts with an epileptic fit of an edit of some people standing behind a line and then a gun going off. We get a montage of some sort of triathlon going on. The main event is a 200m run, and everyone is chanting for Laura! And horay, Laura wins! But then as soon as she crosses the line, she immediately just plops down dead. We all laughed our asses off at this by the way, this whole intro is hilarious. Anyways so we cut to, what I’m going to generously say is, about 3 weeks later. Basically everyone’s moved on, so I guess that means no one really liked this laura. Except not! As her sister comes home from being in the military to see her family. Suddenly we follow some random ass person walking through the woods, going off the path, only to then get her neck slit. At the same time, we see Laura’s sister looking at a picture of a track team Laura was a part of, and we see the girl who get her neck slit was also on the team!
After a bit of talking between laura’s sister and her mom, we see another random girl walking down the same path, taking the same route, only at least this time she doesn’t get killed, at least not yet! As in the next scene, we see laura get naked for no reason. Like she’s just like “Whelp, better have a nude scene.” I mean, it was to put on a leotard for some gymnastics, but do girls really not wear bras under those? Whatever, so after a weird gymnastics scene with like, opera music playing and the coach, whos named George Michaels by the way, is just, giving the strangest, pedophilic reactions to her. Like really, he’s licking his lips and staring at her, and there’s this guy whos taking pictures who looks at the principal like “what the fuck? Is this guy a pedophile? Ah fuck it he’s paying me.” The girl fails to stick the landing and the principal yells at her, so she runs off into the bathroom. She starts to shave her legs into a sink, kinda gross, and apparently the murderer agrees with me as he sneaks up behind her and stabs a fencing sabre THROUGH HER NECK. Um, look, I’m not so much a fencer, but, don’t those things have special tips and bend easily to make sure that, you know, it can’t pierce skin? He wasn’t even going fast he was slowly walking towards her! Whatever, so she’s dead, and later on in the day, some random ass football player is going for a run in the park and goes down the SAME EXACT PATH as the last two people took! Like a dumbass he loses his football but don’t worry a nice person found it and throws it back at him! The only problem is that it’s the murderer and he attached a fencing sabre to the end of the football. The effect here is just, incredible might I say.
We cut to that night, and there was a weird roller derby party in the middle of the, park? I mean, alright? Was that a thing in the 80s? Uh, whatever. So, anyways, these two idiots go out by themselves to fuck, the guy goes off to piss, gets his head cut off, and then the girl gets stabbed. The mad fencer has striked again! No really, he’s basically the mad fencer at this point, he’s even wearing the costume. Anyways, finally a day goes by and first thing in the morning some random guy pole jumps only to have it be revealed that there’s SPIKES, uh, spikes, I don’t really get it really. He lands and suddenly there’s just, spikes. Anyways, later on some people FINALLY NOTICE THAT SIX PEOPLE ARE DEAD NOW by opening a gym locker and just, plop goes the dead body. Then George Michaels runs over to see the dead body, only to have basically everyone immediately blames him! I guess they didn’t have faith in him. After a small tussle, the George Michaels runs off into the FUCKING PARK AGAIN. Who murdered all these children? Was it George Michaels? The sister? The decaying corpse of Laura back for a twisted revenge? Find out, after this short interlude!
This one is definitely new, okay so these characters are given no time to develop, yeah that’s to be expected. But it’s definitely a strange case here, how do I explain it, imagine if some people shot like, 6 separate short movies, and then they were all barely stitched together. Characters just pop up, die, then disappear. It’s really weird! I’m still trying to wrap my head around it! Also yes the acting is terrible, and you shouldn’t expect otherwise in shitty movies like this. Anyways, let’s wrap this shit up!
So, after a small chase and another scuffle in the woods, George Michaels tries to explain to the rando who chased after him that it was all a mistake, and that he’s never killed anyone in his life, only for the guy to say he’s a liar and that he killed Laura! And finally it’s revealed that our killer all this time has been, KEVIN! What? You don’t remember kevin from the plot synopsis? Yeah that’s because he never existed before this. Okay he did, but, nothing of importance happened in any of his scenes, not even leading to a hint that this was the case. Anyways, Kevin gets immediately ass kicked, only for a police officer to see this and fill George Michaels full of lead. RIP. Anyways for a bit it seems as though Kevin is gonna get away with it, until it’s revealed that he took a trophee of Laura’s for himself, even though the sister wanted it. Strange since he said that the sister told him to have it. So the sister goes to his house to pick it up, goes into Kevin’s house in order to get the trophy back, and it’s revealed that he has Laura’s decaying corpse in his room! But she doesn’t look very bad, so clearly it had to have been about 3 weeks.
Anyways Kevin just kinda, waltz on in. He says he blames the rest of the track team, who were apparently the people he was killing, for killing laura for pushing her too hard so she died. Anyways, he reveals they were gonna get MARRIED AFTER HIGH SCHOOL! Bitch it’s not the 50s anymore you can’t just do that shit! Anyways, after a bit of a scuffle, the chair lauras on gets pushed, and she kinda, pushes kevin out of the window. And despite that being a perfectly good way for kevin to die, he just kinda gets right back up and chases the sister to the school, under the bleachers, and finally kevin dies by falling back into one of his weapons. After a false scare, the sister leaves, and that’s the end!
Oh Linda, your movies are always good for a laugh. No really, even though this movie really is bad, I completely enjoyed it, and so did the rest of us! The effects are bad, the acting is cheesy, and all the rest of that good shit that makes cult classic movies the way they are. Since next week is october, which is the month of halloween, I do suggest you give it a watch! And as for next month, well, get really scary shit!