Don’t Think About It Review!
Ah boy here we go. We’re at week three of spook month, and today we’re doing an R.L.Stine story! No we’re not talking about the cheesy ass classic goosebumps, nor the genuinely nightmarish haunting hour television series, we’re talking about a made for tv movie that I saw when I had to be six. I barely remembered this thing, and I don’t blame you for not remembering it because it’s absolute shit! So let’s get right on into this baby!
The film begins with a boy having some problems falling asleep, his name is Max, and to quote his parents this is the third time this has happened that night! The thing that finally gets the kid to fall asleep is his dad promising to buy him a video game if he goes the fuck to sleep. He does, but his big sister, Cass, jumps out and scares him! The next day we get an emo music montage as cass goes to school. At lunch we establish some important exposition for the future, there’s a pumpkin queen that people vote for on a halloween dance, some early 2000s handsome guy sucks at school and needs a paper written, and there’s a bitchy pretty girl who wants handsome guy and will write his paper for him. Side note, when I was looking back at this film in my memory I thought these guys were all like, 16 or 17, but nope, they’re like, 13.
Anyways, we get our second emo music montage as she walks home sad, and then we cut to the next day where Max is now terrified of the game he got, even though it’s like, the most not scary game in the world. Later that day their parents are raking the leaves up, and Cass offers to get anyone some starbucks or whatever, but their parents tell her that she has to take her brother trick or treating for halloween. This pisses her off and she decides to be a total bitch and not get her dad the coffee after she already offered to get it. We then get out THIRD emo music montage, jesus christ, and she comes across a strange store in the middle of an ally.
After looking through the store for a bit, she comes across Tobin Bell! Yeah he’s in this movie. He’s all mysterious for no reason and sells her this book called “The Evil Thing.” Later on that night Cass decides to go to the said school dance, and pulls a Carrie on the popular girl by filling this pumpkin pinata she has to break full of bugs. Everyone laughs at her and we see Tobin Bell standing behind Cass, before teleporting away because he’s maaagic I guess. Later that night Cass takes Max out trick or treating in a scene that is completely useless and establishes nothing that we don’t already know so WHY IS IT EVEN IN- you know what moving on.
When they get back their parents Cass to remember to let a roast defrost then put it back in the freezer because that makes sense. While writing an essay on the history of monster movies, but Max wants her to read her a story book. She offers to read him the berenSTAIN, yes listen carefully she says stain, but he wants to read that evil thing book. She refuses, until Max turns off her computer like a dick and so she reads him the book, which says that the evil thing collects people for their babies to eat when they’re born. This summons said evil thing, which then kidnaps a random pizza guy. Cass gets spooked on camera by the popular girl and handsome guy, but then her brother gets kidnapped by the evil thing as well. Handsome guy decides to do something nice and takes the tape out of the camera. Then popular girl gets kidnapped as well, but this time popular guy notices and for some reason runs to Cass.
God the pacing in this movie is so bad! I mean, we just entered the third act and only NOW is the big threat of the film entering the picture! I mean, think about it like this, instead of entering the scene in act three, it enters at about the end of act one. That way we can properly build up suspense of, what this monster is, what it’s doing with the people that it kidnaps, or at the very least what the damned thing looks like! Yeah it tries to do that, but it doesn’t really work as the buildup only lasts about ten minutes.
This still could have worked if it cut out all the superfluous, yeah we’re using the big words this time, scenes that establish stuff we can already tell three times over. We don’t need to re-establish that Max is a scardy cat three times, we don’t need to give a reason for Cass to want to scare Max twice, hell scaring younger siblings is just kind of a thing that older siblings do. Have her summon the monster, have the pizza guy and, hell maybe even a couple other people go missing, Cass starts getting a little paranoid because of the book, then her brother goes missing and she sets out to find him with the handsome guy, leading us into act three where- oh shit hang on got a bit ahead of myself, sorry about that.
Alright so these characters are fundamentally flawed and would need to be pretty heavily revamped in order to be, well, likable. Both Max and Cass are total cunts, seriously. Max is an annoying brat who has the caillou problem. His parents just do whatever he says as he whines and cries and all that. Cass is a generic bitch but she at least notices what’s going on, with Max and their parents, yet she’s supposed to be the one whos wrong. Everyone else is just a generic early 2000’s stereotype, which is just as bad, but at least they’re not horrible and annoying.
The effects in this film are, well it varies really. When it’s practical it’s actually pretty good, but when it’s CGI it’s fucking atrocious! The evil thing costume is definitely interesting, it has two heads with sharp, yellow, sometimes overlapping teeth, and it moves realistically enough. It’s babies also look pretty neat and unnerving, but when they move, by god it’s terrible.
Okay so, after finding out that Max has been kidnapped, Cass immediately agrees that it’s the evil thing, and immediately knows that they have to kill it. They find it’s secret lair after like, two minutes, in which we see people kept in web sacks like flies on a spiderweb. Our heros try to kill the monster twice their size with sticks, which goes about as well as you’d expect. They go see Tobin bell, who basically tells them a riddle that amounts to “have the heads attack each other.” Their plan is simple, get the blood from the roast, which I guess has blood in it? I’m not much of a cook but is that really how that works? Anyways they get a massive jug of blood, and go back to the lair to throw the blood on one of their heads so that the other head will start to eat it.
They try that plan but fuck up and drop the jug, but luckily Max gets out of the spider web, and finally faces his fears and splashes the blood on the monsters head. It eats itself, dies, and everyone is saved! Yay! The pizza guy gives them some free pizza, the kids do the reasonable thing and burn the fucking book, and go to bed. Later that night though the parents find the book, untouched by the flames, read it, and the evil thing is implied to have killed our main characters, the end! Well at least the ending is good.
This film is definitely bad, terrible in fact, but for a niche crowd of people it’s kind of hilarious. That niche crowd being “people who were kids in the early 2000s.” I mean, this film is so early 2000s smash mouth is oozing from its pore. It treats itself like it’s so edgy! I mean it’s got the goth 13 year old girl, the emo music, and at some point someone insults someone else with the word retarded! That’s something that you’d never see in a kids product from any other decade! At least not as an insult. Besides, you read the review, and if this seems like your kind of so bad it’s good, then I guess seek it out, otherwise, just, don’t think about it.