Happy spook month mother fuckers! As you can tell I am really excited for halloween, rightfully so! October is, of course, the second best month of the year, and halloween is the second best holiday of the year! Yeah I love christmas more, but only by a bit. Anyways, lets stop beating around the bush and get into something real spooky, who wants to watch alien? Well too bad we’re watching creature, as obvious as an alien rip off as you can get! So here we go!
The film starts off with a quick explanation of the future, two rival companies, one owned by america and one by west germany, are head to head in a race to find new minerals hidden on Titan, one of saturn’s moons. At the start, we see two people investigating some weird cryogenic freezing pod, with some kind of strange, Creature inside of it. In order to get a picture and have it be for scale, one of the guys has to sit on the pod, so he does, then the creature inserts himself up his ass and causes him to explode from the inside, then killing the other guy. We then get a random sex scene for no reason.
Later on, an american team is talking about, basically nothing. We have all sorts of characters! The angry boss, the much less angry second hand man, the badass girl, two other random people who were in the sex scene, and a Ripley ripoff, who we will call Rapley. Anyways they land on the moon, in a scene that is directly ripped from alien by the way, but unfortunately they slightly mess up the landing and proceed to kill literally everyone on the ship other than the people I just described. Basically fucked, they find out that there’s another ship, this one being german. Of course the angry guy is an asshole and tells the crew “Hell nah we ain’t gonna get any help from those germans!” but since he’s an asshole no one listens and they go anyways.
While there, our heros get in some scenes that are directly ripped from alien, before sadly one of the girls, the one no one cares about, gets eaten by the alie- creature! The random guy gets angry because that’s his girlfriend, to the point where he starts trying to go into the hallway. Badass girl, though, tranquilizes him. They go back, start explaining what happened, and suddenly a german guy appears out of nowhere and starts groping badass girl from behind in her room. He explains he is german and that the ship can still work, the only problem is that they can’t kill the creature, and they’re running out of air on the american ship, but there are still air tanks on a random ass third ship they can take. So German guy and badass girl go out to get the air tanks.
Meanwhile, random guy sees his girlfriend outside, calling for him. Since he’s crazy I guess he hops in a suit and goes over to her. When he gets there, she’s completely naked. Ah, it isn’t just great when we have random nudity for no reason? Anyways, she pops his helmet off and boop, dead. Back at the ship, the badass and german aren’t there, but they do get a surprise call from the german ship, and the person on the other end is, the random guy? What? Well it’s all very simple, you see the creature can just, take over peoples body! The guy says to come over since the ships working, and three remaining people head on over.
This film, tries to have characters, it does, it’s just that they’re so, forgettable. Rapley is the only one I’ve given a name and so far is also the only one that hasn’t done anything. Yep. The few characters that are here are just, weird, like the german guy for example. He comes in, sexually assaults someone, and is just super casual about everything, despite people dying around him.
The acting is also pretty bad. I mean, I think it’s safe to say the german in this film was probably born and raised in West Virginia. Everyone else is predictably odd, with some over the top acting, and some just plain bad acting. All in all, it’s at least an enjoyable kind of bad.
Oooh boy. You may notice the picture representing this one is, different than the rest. That’s because, I admit it, I ripped this one off the internet because I wanted a good view of what this thing looks like. I mean, just look at how uninspired that thing is! It looks like something a 12 year old would make in spore! It’s even worse in motion, the damned thing can barely walk! This creature was brought to us by the La effects company, and if you’re wondering, it is defunct now. Trust me I checked, its like, nowhere on the internet.
Once they make it to the other ship, they realize, oh no the creature is there and taking over our friends! And they become, space zombies? What? Uh, alrighty? Anyways, they make it onto the ship, and try to electrocute the creature first. Rapley actually activates it and we think it’s dead, but suddenly it comes to life, proving Rapley useless.
Not to worry, asshole does something though! He threw a net over the creature, then threw a bomb onto the net, somehow it stuck and he tells Rapley and the right hand guy to drop a trap door to throw him out of the ship, which they do, and activate the bomb. Sadly though it’s a dud and won’t go off. Suddenly badass girl appears out of nowhere after just, disappearing for most of the film, and shoots the bomb, causing it to explode. When asked why she was gone for so long, she explains that she “got lost.” And that’s it really, they kinda chuckle a little, and fly on home. The end!
Yeah, this film is a pretty big ripoff. There are things I haven’t even talked about, sound effects are directly lifted from star wars, and the fact that the creature has a predator vision. That being said, it is definitely entertaining! I mean it, as a cheesy creature feature, it’s weird, goofy, and again, entertaining. Though yes it is a very obvious Alien rip off, to me that just kinda makes it better for me. So yeah, it’s entertaining, and if you’re looking for something to get you in the right mood this october, I guess this is pretty alright. Stay tuned for next week, when I promise we’ll do something actually good for once!