Chernobyl Diaries review.
Alright listen, I’m just gonna come right on out and tell you guys, I did not like this film. Not only does it have a stupid plot, bland characters, and terrible pacing, but it also ruined my plans for this month of reviews! For the unaware we have a list of movies we watch and we do it in order. I had it planned out for this month to be a special theme month, found footage month. But this film is a barrel of LIES and made it look like it was found footage in the trailer! I even double checked, every website calls this a found footage film. So now found footage month is ruined! I even started a little .gif and everything!
Well, I guess we better get back to the film. Let’s see just how bad this film is, maybe it’s not deserving of my hatred. Oh wait, didn’t I say earlier it had a stupid plot bad characters and all that other stuff? Oh dear,
The film begins with some early 2000’s upbeat rock music playing as a lovely couple says goodbye to what could be assumed family and friends. According to what we find out later, they’re going to the mans brothers house in MOTHER RUSSIA! He also has a girlfriend, because of course she does. But she’s not a Russian lady, she’s just a normal American. So, whatever. The brother tells him, basically,“Hey I know we made plans for you to go to Moscow, but fuck that you’re going to the city that’s right next to Chernobyl!” So they meetup with a good old Russian man, who we called Ivan, and 2 Australian tourists also going to Pripyat.
Ivan gets them in a van, and shows them around the city, and while in their last stop, an apartment building, a fucking GIANT CG BEAR just comes in out of nowhere! They decide to get on outta there, but when they get back to the van some wire is cut up so now the Van doesn’t work. Instead of, you know, walking, they wait for like 2-3 hours for nightfall. Only THEN do they realize they should probably walk. But they waited too long, as Ivan pulls out a fucking gun, and runs out of the van. The two brothers follow him, and after a bit of silence the two brothers come running back, being chased by a whole buncha’ doggos. But they don’t get out unscathed.
Non-Russian brother was bitten by one of the doggos, so now he can barely move. They actually do the smart thing and wait until morning, then formulate a plan. Four of the six will go in search of Ivan, or at the very least find something they can use to fix the van up. So they go out, find a junkyard, and actually successfully find what they’re looking for! Well, I’m predicting things are gonna end up great for these guys in the end!
Look, I think we all know what I’m about to say. These guys are bland boring and have no debt. Well you’re right! At least for the most part. The Aussies are clearly just there to be cannibal mutant fuel. So is the wife of the brother who got bit. The brothers, in all fairness, are actually not that bad. They act like brothers, for the most part, and their acting is actually kinda alright. This film is actually kinda refreshing, acting is good for the most part. I so rarely see that in my reviews, so thanks Chernobyl diaries, you actually gave me good acting! Too bad the rest of your film sucks.
Once they return to the van, they find it upside down and empty. After a bit of searching, they find bite bro’s wife. She says “yep he’s dead,” but the other brother refuses to accept it! So he proceeds to drag them through the rest of the city, running through buildings and hiding behind doors. As they go on, the brother causes literally everyone but his girlfriend to die a slow painful death. For some reason they feel really bad about causing the death of the Aussie girl, which they find in some industrial complex with a high, radiation, count, ohh fuck they’re in Chernobyl aren’t they?
YEP THEY’RE IN THE POWER PLANT! Soon they meet a small group of men from the red army! Literally no one in this scene are wearing radiation suits. Keep in mind that even in the context of the movie they say that if you spend basically any time in Chernobyl without one on they’re basically dead. Anyways the Russians shoot the brother up, and instead of killing the girl, for some reason, she gets to live. They take her to a “Hospital” and say they’re gonna help her. But instead of doing that they just throw her in a cell full of other mutants. The end!
This film is, not horrible. I admit it! The acting is alright, the plots fucking stupid, but the cinematography is actually pretty damn nice. But the film is clearly just going by the numbers, and makes just a few too many stupid decisions to be ignored. It’s not the best, it’s not the worst, it’s just somewhere in the middle. I guess it could pass if you just want to mindlessly just waste some time, but otherwise, just forget that it happened.
Oh by the way fun fact, a lot of people who had family that survived chernobyl, as well as historians and other such people thought the film was super insensitive for portraying Chernobyl as a cannibal mutant filled hellhole, and some people staged a mass boycott of the film. As one of the people in charge of the boycott explained, “Anyone visiting Chernobyl should have the same respect as if they were visiting Auschwitz or the Khmer Rouge Museum in Cambodia.” So yeah, this film really pissed people off. Hopefully next weeks film won’t be so controversial!