Body Rock Review!
Do you guys like the 80s? Because I’m about to bring you guys the most 80s movie there ever was! Released in 1984, Body Rock is a film that has probably the most barren wikipedia page ever, barely listing any info on the actual movie and more the terrible critical reception the film got after coming out. A critically panned obscure movie from the 80s? That shit’s just begging to be featured on this show! So let’s stop wasting time and get into why this film sucks so hard!
The film begins with our main character Chilly, and a little street gang of his fuckin around in the streets acting like assholes. They pull out an incredibly large supply of spray cans, seriously they have to have like, over 100 spray cans. They then pretend to paint this massive mural that would have taken a collective 3 days to do if those 5 kids tried to do it themselves, pose for a picture, then run away from the cops.
After running away to come to a, well I think it’s a club it looks more like a fucking prison with disco lights. There they start break dancing and at this point I realized that for some reason this gang is made up entirely of 3 white guys, a latino, and some random black kid. The kids like 12 what the hell is he doing with all of these like 30 year old men.
So after dancing in the most disease ridden club imaginable, we cut to Chilly in an unemployment office, which he just kinda leaves because he wants to be a dancer man. After that he just kinda walks into some random guys office like a dick. Like the guy had people waiting on chairs outside of the office, they had important business stuff to talk about!
Anyways he barges in and basically says “Hey look, business man, come to this seedy concrete club in the middle of nowhere and watch me dance,” and then leaves. Surprisingly they actually come, and our little gang does some break dancing. However, once the show is over the guys are already gone. This makes Chilly upset, and he walks home with some lady friend of his who he presumably bangs.
The next day though he actually got a call from the business men, saying they want him to come to a club and dance! He does so, in black face no less, and everyone loves him! He gets a bunch of money, this big studio apartment, and even a knock off madonna as a girlfriend! Yep, our Chilly is living the good life. Can’t wait to see how he manages to fuck it up!
Despite having a sizable cast of characters, we never really get to know most of them. The only character who we get any insight into, as well as going through an arc, is Chilly. Which, yes, is a very formulaic character arc, but holy shit it’s better than most of the shit we watch on this show where the characters do nothing!
The rest of the characters never really get any light shown on them, which really is to the films detriment. We’d probably feel more sad for these guys who lost their friend if we, knew anything about these guys and were able to connect with them in anyway. The acting though is fucking terrible, so maybe they just cut all the scenes with these characters in them.
Oh you know I got something to say when I put in a segment about something as minute as fucking costume designs. The clothes these people wear are probably the strangest creations I have ever seen. There are just so many weird costume choices, like a girl with a dress that looks like it’s made out of post it notes, chilly constantly wearing headbands for some reason, a robe made out of a garbage bag, and even more wacky shit! Not since hackers have I seen people wearing such strange things.
While watching this movie my mom happened to be in the room, and she kept looking over at the film and commenting, “that’s how we used to look, that’s how we used to dress!” I mean, I’m inclined to believe her since she’s not normally the type to lie about something like this, but if that’s the case that must mean people in the 80s took like fuckin 40 minutes just to get ready for the day. I think Man-thing put it best when he said, “It looks like everyone just jumped into the garbage to get dressed for the day.”
So after rising to the top, after appearing in one club, Chilly predictably leaves his friends behind to be with the famous people. Turns out though, in 1984 the famous people hung out in gay leather bars. Chilly gets mouth raped by some man in a suit, and he proceeds to punch him across the bar.
Turns out though, this guy is a member of the company Chilly is employed by. Because of this, Chilly is let go of his position, and off brand Madonna is set to replace him at this big dance thing. Chilly, however, decies to get back at his company, reconveines with his old gang members, and set out to ruin the dance.
They proceed to break multiple laws in the process, but by the end they have successfully taken over the stage show and start doing their own little dance routine. The crowd loves him, and the rest of the guys in the gang! They have their moment in the sun together, and they dance the night away. Then they probably got arrested and some shit or contracted aids from the horrible conditions of where they live, the end!
Body Rock was, definitely a strange one. It follows the most basic and generic rags to riches to rags again plot, but it does it kind of like how an alien would do it. Like, the characters would just be acting normal, then somewhere an aliens like “Oh this is what a human would do right?” and make our characters do a dance sex combo. That combined with the bad acting made this a strange, but still enjoyable film. Hell it’s even free on youtube, so you know what, if this sounds like a fun way to waste some time, then go right ahead!