Ok everyone, calling it now, this is going to be the shortest review I’ve ever made. There is just, nothing to talk about here. Here we have another movie made by Uwe Boll. This time, it’s a “Parody” of his other film, Bloodrayne 3. By parody, I mean this is like, an epic movie type of parody. So let’s just, get this over with.
Right, here’s the thing, this film has no plot. I’ve said that before, but those times were jokes, but like, this time I’m being serious. This film has a beginning, and an ending, and a series of otherwise unconnected scenes with only two exceptions. So, let’s start I guess.
The film begins with an introduction to Blubberella in 1940, and as, what I guess is, a joke, they have her introduce herself like she’s a 16 year old girl in a high school rom com. After that we see her attacking some nazis in front of a train holding jews, where she meets up with an anti-nazi rebellion group. I guess she agrees to help them get the jews out of germany, but then the next scene she’s in a brothel having lesbian sex. After that we get a scene starring the semi-famous Clint Howard! I’m pretty sure he explains his plan to capture blubberella and use her blood to make hitler an immortal vampire.
After a few unconnected scenes we’re introduced to a girl named Slutlana, who I think Clint howard has sex with and turns her into a vampire. He then kills her because she tries to kill him too. More unconnected scenes. Alright so there’s a reason why this type of plot structure is so hard to make a review of in my normal structure. Since it’s just a random series of scenes, there isn’t anything I can put under characters, because there is zero possibility for character development! Fuck this plot summary is shit because there is no plot! Had the higher ups at GSM not made me review this then I wouldn’t have, but I guess fuck my life so I have to. Anyways we’re not doing a characters section is my point.
Alright so, eventually we get a scene where, inexplicably, Clint Howard has taken Blubberella hostage. He tries to take her blood but fails, then she’s broken out. Blubberella then falls in love with one of the guys in the rebel group, which, fine i guess whatever. There’s a climax, I guess, where she fires a gun and then fights some nazi guy hand to hand. She kills him by sitting on him, then walks away with the rebel she’s fucking, and, that’s it that’s the end of the movie.
This was probably the worst review I’ve ever made. In fact I kind of hope it fails. Hey, blame KromeKnight cause he’s the one who made me review this film. I cannot, in words, fully describe to you how awful the experience of watching this was. After watching this, I just went and took a shower. What I felt after watching this wasn’t so much, rage, but was more, an empty hollowness.
I, almost didn’t want to make this review, just let many of you continue on your life without knowing about this film, but after missing last weeks, I had to do this. I urge everyone watching this, do not watch this movie. You will not enjoy it, you will not laugh at all. I didn’t even bring up the fact that there’s blackface in this movie! Stay away, stay far far away. After something like this, we’re gonna need to break the emergency glass for next week.