Apollo 18 review.
Well, as a pleasant surprise I actually found myself enjoying last weeks movie! However as the review gods demanded, I must balance out this enjoyment with anger, and I have just the movie for it. Apollo 18, released in 2011 was part of the big found footage phaze that started with the blair witch project, then got even more popular with paranormal activity. And let me tell ya this ain’t exactly a shining sample of what the genre could do. Hell I don’t even like found footage to begin with so, I’m sure this’ll work out great!
Alright I’m just gonna say it outright, this movies a fucking BORE to sit through! Like, It’d be better if it was just a twenty minute short on youtube, or something like that, but they have to stretch this damn thing out to an hour and twenty six minutes! And let me tell you there are long stretches of nothing happening, so let’s just do the basics here.
The film starts with some footage of three future astronauts who are supposedly going on the apollo 18 mission to the moon. Now, for everyone unaware, there were supposed to be 20 apollo missions, but after 17 they were cut due to funding issues. According to this movie however, the underfunding of nasa doesn’t mean shit! So the three guys go to the moon, and collect samples for 20 minutes. I am not even joking.
Finally after what feels like forever, they find a cosmonaut version of a lunar lander, with a dead cosmonaut inside! And since this takes place in the 70’s, these americans actually seem to feel sorry for the dead soviet commie, for about 2 seconds. Hey, it’s the most realistic part of the movie.
So after a whole bunch more shit happens, their lunar landers antenna gets broken, which means they can’t launch for some reason, so they just kinda stay there and one of the guys goes out to fix it. Suddenly he starts screaming about having shit inside of his helmet, and then passes out. He’s brought back in and, somehow, we discover a rock got into his space suit and then into his body through a big ol cut. Then a bunch more nothing happens. It was about here where I got so bored I just gave up and started browsing funnyjunk in a second window.
Oh my god are these characters generic. Astronaut 1 is barely in this movie, since he’s just kinda floating around moon and for most of the film is on the dark side so he can’t even talk to his fellow astronauts. Astronauts 2 and 3 are so interchangeable I actually forgot which was which on multiple occasions. They’re not distinct in any way, inside or out. That’s really it, I don’t have anything else to say. Moving on.
Why is this film found footage?
No really, it’s a legitimate question! Well, I get WHY it’s found footage, it’s so it can capitalize on the found footage craze, but let’s assume now for a second that these guys have actual artistic integrity, this movie would have been, at least a bit better if it was just a regular film. Allow me to explain.
The whole point of this movie is that this is all real, since you know, found footage. But these people have families, they told them they’re going on apollo 18, they say it themselves! Plus, they launched from houston texas. At night. So you mean to tell me that a rocket, which can be seen from about 400 miles away, was launched from houston’s nasa branch, that’s only 27 miles away from the city of houston, at night, with the families of the astronauts knowing very well about the apollo 18 mission, and NO ONE SPOKE UP ABOUT THIS!?
You may say “oh but it’s just a movie!” Yeah it is, but the whole point of found footage is supposed to make you think it’s real, but this one plot hole fucking destroys the only reason for it to be found footage! This plot point is an easy fix. Just don’t make it found footage! That’s really it! I mean, making it modern day would help too, but hey, these problems can’t fix this film which is, at it’s core, flawed. So let’s just finish this off.
So after a bunch of other stupid stuff, the astronaut who got attacked earlier goes crazy, and the only other astronaut goes over to the soviet lunar lander. On his way over, we find out the terrifying truth! MOON ROCKS ARE MONSTERS! That’s fucking stupid. Anyways, the non crazy astronaut makes it to the soviet lunar lander, and the other guy dies.
The last remaining astronaut shoots off towards the astronaut orbiting the moon. Then, a bunch of rocks come out of nowhere in the ship, he dies, I guess, and then the two ships collide and explode. Then the film tries to pin this on the American government, saying something to the tune of “there were 124 moon rocks taken from the moon to earth, many of which were given away to foreign nations. Most of those rocks have gone missing.” Like come on guys, really? You’re gonna try and make us think this really happened? I’d believe the legend of the titanic was accurate to reality before I believe this film is!
Man, I want to get angry at this film for sucking as bad as it did, but, I really just don’t care. This film is so boring and such a drag I just stopped caring by the end I couldn’t even fake my anger. As a lot of people, including myself, have said before, a boring movie is miles worse than a bad movie. At least with a bad movie you can have SOMETHING interesting to say about it. But, sadly no. This film is just massively uninteresting. So screw it, I don’t care, we’re done here. See you guys next week.