A Talking Pony!?! Review!
Welp, thanksgiving is over, and you know what that means? Listening to the same 20 christmas song over and over until christmas! So on a completely unrelated note, horses! Do you guys remember that movie that Jontron did a review of not too long ago, “A Talking Cat!?!” Well out of curiosity I’ve decided to check out who made that film and maybe check out the film on IMDB, see who made it and check out some of his other films and ooooh booy did everything fall into place when I found out this film was made by David DeCoda
For the unaware, David DeCoda is a director who has, on average, made about 5 movies a year since 1984. Some of his highlights include, Dr. Alien, Puppet Master: Axis of Evil, Snow White: A Deadly Summer, and all six of the, “The Brotherhood” films. Oh yeah you bet your ass we’ll be seeing a lot more of David DeCoda on this show! So let’s stop screwing around and get to this baby already!
The film starts up with a girl named Juliette waking up from a dream where we establish, 1. Her brothers are dicks. 2. Their ranch is in debt and some rich business man is coming over to buy it to build a mall. Oh boy, do I smell our antagonist? Anyways she wakes up, gets pranked by her brothers and the talks to both her mom and horse, named Horatio. I mean, I guess it’s alliterative but, is that not a weird name for a horse for you guys too?
Anyways, we cut to our main bad guy, Kevin Perjurer. Honestly wonder how many people will get that joke. He also has a son! And starts talking about how much money is good and so is business and bla bla bla bla bla. His son is a granola munching hippie who literally says at one point the earth would be much better without humans and he’d like to live in trees and shit. These are actual things that are actually said in this non movie.
A bit later on, when bad guy finally makes it to the house, we find out a bit more of these guys backstory. Turns out Juliet’s dad, is dead! The brothers are also their step siblings and unlike their step-sister, actually want to move to the city and become Male models. I mean, I guess it’s a motivation. Anyways so bad guys son, whose name is Wess by the way, and Juliet actually hit it off and Juliet goes off to get Horatio to show to them. Suddenly, her father’s lucky horseshoe hits her in the head, knocks her out, and boom we hear the horse talk. You know, for as lazy as a talking cat’s mouth effect is, at least it has a mouth effect!
Alright so, at this point in my notes it just says, “Random montage of horse prancing to 80s piano music,” I don’t, remember that really so I guess I’ll just point out it appears multiple times in these notes. Anyways, so after a bit more nonsense Juliet tries to get everyone to hear the horse talk, no one hears the horse talk, they explicitly SAY no one can hear the horse talk, and yet she still tries two more times in the same fucking scene god damn it! This film is just full of padding, and it’s really fucking annoying.
Anyways, after a bit more fucking around, and clearly establishing at this point that those brothers are mentally retarded, Wess talks to Juliet about weather or not she can actually talk to Horatio, she says no but then he discovers that she actually can, jesus christ why was this scene in the fucking movie. Anyways Wess seems completely fine with the idea that his possible love interest is a complete lunatic, and forgets the golden rule, don’t stick your dick in crazy. Anyways it might not seem like it but we’re actually close to the home stretch here so, let’s pause for a bit.
Well, for once I can’t really say there are no characters, as unlike with some movies I talk about these characters do have, well, character, they’re just very cartoony and poorly acted. Juliet likes her animals and nature, as do her step mom and Wess, and the other half of the characters hate nature and want to live in the city. I mean, it’s something I guess, and the dads hate of nature is incredibly cartoony and over the top, I mean he doesn’t even know what a bee is. So yeah, characters are a bit cartoony, but at least they’re there.
So, after considering that his new love interest is insane, Horatio does the only thing he ever does in the movie and suggest bonking him over the head with the horseshoe. She does, but she also knocks him out. Meanwhile, The mom and evil guy are getting angry at each other, saying that the deal is off, when suddenly evil guy throws out his back so mom gives him a massage and some nice tea. They then talk about how doctors suck and that natural healing alternatives are the best way to- OH GOD DAMN IT! It’s not wess whos the granola munching hippie, it’s the screenwriter!
Anyways so the mom agrees to sell the ranch after their pleasant talks, they even discover that Wess’ mom is actually dead so the dad is single, when in burst Wess and Juliet to be all “Don’t sell the farm it’s got a magical talking horse!” but plot twist, evil guy is no longer evil as he has had a change of heart and decides to keep the ranch as is and turn it into a tourist destination! Hooray!
The brothers get their comeuppance for being dicks to Juliet by also getting bonked over the head by the horseshoe and forced to listen to Horatio’s stand up routine. Anyways so it’s implied that the mom and dad get together, but also that Wess and Juliet get together, which is weird because they are now step siblings and legally this is incest but WHATEVER! The end!
I think the best way to explain how bad of a movie this is, is by a quote from my mom who was in the same room while I was watching this. “Wow, that is a bad movie, I can tell by just the sound of it.” This film is a total fucking mess, the acting is terrible, the sets are clearly just this guys fucking house, I didn’t even talk about how the movie never shuts the fuck up, but! It is still very entertaining. Hell, by the time you’re reading this I’ve probably already shown it to multiple people because, this film really needs to be seen to be believed. So, yeah, in a way I recommend it. Just don’t expect quality genuine quality.